In the year 2011…
… Michael Vick will win the NFL MVP award over Tom Brady, to which Glenn Beck with demand Vick’s birth certificate.
… After calling Hollywood “conservative and homophobic,” Rupert Everett will just as accurately call his name “definitely not British.”
… Every guy in the world will become Catholic when the Pope insists that football in hell has no instant replay.
… Everyone will assume that a man has taken the reins at People Magazine when a 16-year-old Japanese prostitute wins Most Beautiful Person.
… Madonna and Sarah Jessica Parker will release a book called Ligament Chic.
… Khloe Kardashian’s and Lamar Odom’s new reality show will be called Oh, So This Is Why Lamar Married Khloe.
… The UN will not allow the US to invade North Korea, but if Kim Jong-il keeps watching Bend It Like Beckham, they will file a restraining order against him on behalf of Keira Knightley.
… In light of Michael Vick’s redemption, high school recruits will be eligible for the NFL draft after serving two years in prison.
… Comedy will reach an all-time low when linguists demonstrate that the words “Lindsay” and “Lohan” are subconsciously indistinguishable from a well-crafted punchline.
… The Psychology Association of America will finance Megan Fox’s career when it’s determined that her unhappy yet beautiful face does more damage to a man’s psyche than being caught masturbating.
… Mouth-to-mouth resuscitation may no longer be the best way to revive a victim of cardiac arrest, but it will still be a good way to create an awkward moment in a buddy movie.
… A new game show will challenge contestants to decipher between images of Cleveland and Baghdad. After nobody wins, everyone will forgive LeBron.
… The water supply will be spiked with an honesty serum causing people to say “I’m nervous” instead of “it is what it is.”
… Lady Gaga’s attempt to desexualize herself will make much more sense when she declares her candidacy for public office.
… It will become acceptable to make fun of blacks for slavery, Jews for the holocaust, and Japanese for the internment. However, pointing out that Conan O’Brien isn’t funny will still not be tolerated.
… The culmination of Betty White’s over-exposure will occur when CNN airs her funeral.