In the year 2015…
… A person’s ability to sit through Inherent Vice will be directly related to their ability to convince themselves Jazz is good. This will be called the NPR quotient.
… A mentalist will discover rape culture when he peers into the unconscious desire of an ovulating female.
… A men’s rights activist will break an irony detector when he complains about women who complain about men.
… To save time, everyone with boobs, including dudes, will automatically be registered as democrats.
… Lena Dunham will be administered a truth serum, so instead of saying “bro,” she will say “the guys who wouldn’t fuck me in college.”
… The Serial podcast will be re-released in an iTunes collection that includes lectures on microaggressions and lost tracks from Duke Ellington. It will be called Self-Righteous Distractions for the Bored Liberal.
… Searchers will never be able to find AirAsia’s black box because those things always get blurred out.
… Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, the Boston Bomber and heartthrob, will be sentenced to jail for only eight days when his lawyer packs the jury with teenage girls from alcoholic families.
… A bike messenger from Eugene, Oregon will be a hero to the unemployable when he successfully lobbies to get hoodies reclassified as collared shirts. “After all,” the plaintiff will claim, “hoods are kind of like big collars.”
… Beards will be renamed “hair grafts” based on their true purpose: to cover up a face that’s been mangled by eating pad thai every day.
… A woman in a management position will be paid in idle comments and “likes” from close friends when it’s determined she’s no more useful than a man with an Instagram account.
… Mel Gibson’s role as a slave trader in a remake of Amistad will be snubbed by the Academy for a best actor nomination because, technically, he won’t be acting.
… A wife who hyphenates her last name and then cheats on her husband will not be penalized in the divorce because the guy totally should have seen it coming.
… A new recipe book for organ meats will aptly be named Sacrificing A Lot of Friendship for a Little Health.
… It will be revealed that the term “juice cleanse” is actually gay code for when a guy continues to fuck a dude’s ass after he comes in it. Of course, the act of making your own fruit juice, or doing anything else for the purpose of cleansing your body, will still be way gayer.