In the year 2016…
… Curvy women will still be referred to as “curvy,” but women who call themselves “curvy” will be referred to by the much more accurate description, “bulky.”
… Guys who wear a sweater under their spring jacket to make a winter coat will find it necessary to research the best comebacks for when someone asks if you’re the Unabomber.
… Anthropologists will determine that Filipino chicks are small because it makes it less likely for them to carry out their primary purpose, which is to rape Italian guys.
… Internet marketers will give up trying to develop clever advertising banner headlines and just use “Sorority Secret Photos Wrinkle Cream” no matter what they’re selling.
… A Parliament member will doze off as a public health expert is testifying on the hazards of London’s rat infestation. When he jolts awake moments later, it will sound to him like someone’s finally talking about Muslim immigrants.
… A guy who wears a watch he received as a Christmas gift will be annoyed when people mistake him for a guy who cares about watches.
… Goldman Sachs will put together a lucrative portfolio that includes stock in Buzzfeed, Girls Night Out Margarita Mix, and three egg-freezing companies. It will be called “Cashing in on single chicks trying to assuage their unfulfilled maternal instincts.”
… In addition to throwing out resumes with stereotypical black names, recruiters will throw out resumes with names like “Ian,” “Taylor,” and “Phillip” when it’s determined that white people who hate themselves for being white are just as useless as black people who like themselves for being black.
… Hillary’s first act as the first female president will be to form a House investigation committee to locate strappy shoe sales near Capitol Hill.
… A group of frat guys will join a black lives matter protest for no other reason than they too enjoy making white girls cry.