In the year 2017…
… A female journalist’s criticism of Donald Trump will be mistaken for Fifty Shades of Grey fan fiction.
… Stoics will create uniforms for themselves, though it will be pointless since guys who read Seneca only wear Gingham shirts, anyway.
… The New York Public Library will unveil its new tagline, “Where the homeless can pretend to be employable.”
… Campus conservatives will begin to sponsor safe spaces because without an infantilized Left, they wouldn’t have anything to feel superior about.
… The judge in the Dylann Roof case, in order to make an example out of him, will forgo the death penalty in lieu of a much harsher sentence: diversity training.
… After coming to terms with their glaring similarities, Democrats and Republicans will unite to form the Herd Morality Party.
… The libertarian movement will continue to flounder for the same reason the strategy of convincing a girl to like you will continue to flounder.
… CNN will sue Info Wars for disseminating fake news in the landmark case of Pot v. Kettle.
… A new game show will challenge contestants to name one good thing about multiculturalism without mentioning food. It will be called “Watch Whitey Squirm.”
… A guy will break up with his girlfriend because she “lost her job” but really because she got fat.
… A girl will break up with her boyfriend because he “got fat” but really because he lost his job.
… A comedian who has adult acne and discusses the intricacies of his masturbation routine will satirize Trump for having bad skin and making dick jokes.