In the year 2018…
… A New York Times foreign correspondent, by sticking to his critical theory narrative, will defend the inept Iranian regime and condemn the protesters for punching down.
… Google’s new campus in Sunnyvale will be covered in so much greenery that it will define a new style of architecture called “apology chic.”
… A porno on an 8K television will turn every guy who watches it gay because nobody was meant to look at a vagina in such high definition.
… Prince Harry will end his engagement to the geriatric Meghan Markle after he works through his mommy issues.
… Pot legalization in California will annoy Ted from Long Beach, the one guy who hadn’t gotten around to making a joke about how easy it is to get a medicinal card.
… A right-wing pundit will develop a conspiracy theory for a complicated phenomenon because he doesn’t understand philosophy.
… A left-wing pundit will develop a conspiracy theory for a simple phenomenon because he doesn’t understand biology.
… Burt Reynolds will star in a movie in which he ventures into the backwoods of Georgia to improve morale at an opioid addiction center. It will be called Stand and Deliverance.
… The men’s rights reaction to the new Star Wars movie will be considered so predictable that Sanford Fleming will reanimate to set a new time zone to it.
… The most luxurious hotel in the world will open in Monaco. The towel racks in the bathrooms will still be too short so the towels will scrunch up at the end.
… A woman will articulate the most lionizing conclusion ever for a eulogy at her husband’s funeral: “… and even though he watched Game of Thrones, he never talked about it.”
… Fish will join in on the #MeToo campaign to express how uncomfortable they feel whenever they’re out of water.
… A college sophomore will write a blog post about his first mushroom experience entitled, “What is the Truth?” He will be awarded a Darwin award for it due to the life-long dry spell it casts on him.