For the last two million years, since our ancestors lost the ability to grow hair on their faces, men have been trying to grow hair on their faces. We typically do this after first coming of age, and then once again after we get divorced, the two most fragile periods in a man’s life.
So while we typically think facial hair, especially the full beard and the mustache, is a sign of masculinity, facial hair is just another salvo in a battle against insecurity. I’d prefer to elaborate this point in essay form, but in order for it to get through to all the guys out there who think stroking their beard is the same thing as an attention span, I’ll obliterate each argument for facial hair one-by-one.
Facial hair gives off an air of mystery
You’ll need to lean on a beard for mystery if you divulge every intimate detail of your life when you first meet somebody. Instead, try to eliminate nervousness from your constitution so as not over-share like a drunk chick in a sun dress. And if you have a beard yet you’re an open book anyway, then you’ll be more frustrating to other people than a chemistry TA with a Megadeth t-shirt.
Facial hair is manly
Let’s think about this. What facial hair does, in essence, is cover up your face, or that billboard you use to present to the world. A slightly different way of smiling, or even a certain upturn in the side of your mouth, will speak volumes about who you are; ideas form on our faces just as readily and clearly as a writer’s ideas form on his page. This is why people from Alabama who play the lottery generally look like people from Alabama who play the lottery.
If you’re comfortable with who you are, and so comfortable with what that slightly upturned mouth will say about you, then the last thing you want to do is to put a mustache over it. If you’re a hotbed of repression because you have thoughts in your head that you’re ashamed of, then you’ll want to cover them up with a mustache.
A lot of manly men have facial hair, like Kimbo Slice, Tom Selleck, and Chuck Norris
If Kimbo Slice is your epitome of manliness, then you need to read a few more books. Or, more relevantly, you need to work your way through a good phonics curriculum and then start reading books.
Tom Selleck is awesome, of course, but he grew that mustache during a fragile stage in his life when he was chronically unemployed. Now that he hit it big with the ‘stache, he feels like he can’t lose it. Like Chris Farley and his weight, Tom Selleck’s reliance on the mustache will be his downfall, mark my words.
As far as Chuck Norris is concerned, let’s admit that since he isn’t a dark man, a beard makes him look like an older version of Spencer Pratt, albeit less douche-y. We also need to admit that Chuck Norris is really just a regular dude with a fortunate marketing campaign. Alright, Walker, Texas Ranger is a sweet show, but that’s just his character. In real life he endorses the Total Gym.
Facial hair on males is a secondary sexual characteristic, so I’m making myself more attractive by growing a goatee no matter your cultural prognostications
Facial hair would be a secondary sexual characteristic if girls couldn’t grow beards, but they can. You don’t even want to ask how much time your girlfriend or wife actually spends getting hair off her face, just like you don’t want to know how many guys she’s slept with. Thankfully, in both cases, she’s not going to tell you anyways.
I’m experimenting with facial hair
You can experiment with drugs but that doesn’t make them a good idea. By the time you’re 25 or so, it’s time to buy a razor and give your mushrooms to that dude you know who still listens to Kid Rock.
I drink too much beer and facial hair is a great way to cover up my puffiness
Growing facial hair gives me an excuse to be lazy
Facial hair hides my weak jaw line
Growing a beard to cover up a weak jaw line is like a girl who cakes on make up over her acne. I truly am sorry if your jaw line is weak. I just cannot imagine living without my chin the way it is. But trying to fill in your face with a beard just makes the problem worse, especially since, if you have a weak jaw line, your beard is probably too sparse to be a good cover.
Football coaches have mustaches
I could see that if your job was managing some of the most outrageous egos on the planet, then it would be beneficial to perpetually hide your emotions behind a mustache. But the most commanding gridiron generals, like Vince Lombardi and Woody Hayes, and even the most commanding general of all time, George Patton, kept their faces clean. Wade Phillips, however, has a mustache (citation needed). So maybe you should spend less time on a mustache and more time cultivating a solid ego so that your personality is not threatened by anybody who happens to be born with an extra helping of fast-twitch muscle.
You’re just jealous because you cannot grow facial hair
This idea that thinking is the rationalization of a man’s ability, or lack thereof, to grow facial hair just like Marx’s belief that thinking is the rationalization of a man’s economic condition, you pinko.
I’ve lived in the Arctic frontier for the past six months studying the group dynamic of wolves
Okay, if you’re too busy making science that the nearest bathroom sink is 150 miles away in Yellowknife, then it’s totally sweet to grow a beard.
I may have missed a few arguments since I haven’t hung out with booger eaters in a while, so let me know. And in the meantime, stop hiding your face from the world.