It’s difficult to imagine what my life would be like without Shawn Michaels, and I wasn’t eve a professional wrestling fan growing up. My friends would spend their allowances on wrestling shirts, lose their voices at shows, and parrot The Rock and Stone Cold lines during class. I always saw myself as above all that. Looking back, it turns out I was totally right.
But I could always at least admire the arrogant nature of wrestlers, and nobody was more arrogant than Shawn Michaels. A few years ago, my friend showed me an old dating advice column written by Shawn Michaels in a WWE (then WWF) magazine. He basically told all the girls who wrote in to wear more make up, put out, and send him pictures of themselves. It’s like I wrote it. So as much as I’d like to see myself above wrestling, I think that, through an indirect, etheric process, Shawn Michaels’s personality imbued itself onto me. And nowhere is this personality better displayed than through his theme song, which he sings, appropriately entitled “Sexy Boy.”
As a tribute to Shawn Michaels and all he’s done for me, and so the world, it’s fitting to analyze the lyrics of “Sexy Boy.” Especially since the true genius of the song doesn’t make itself known until we analyze the lyrics. It’s like a Pixar movie: on the surface, it just seems like a fun song, but on a deeper level, Michaels deals with serious issues that we as men need to think about. The song begins:
I think I’m cute.
I know I’m sexy.
Okay, it already feels like I’m drinking knowledge from a fire hose. These two lines encapsulate a significant point. Shawn Michaels thinks he’s cute—that is, he thinks his physical appearance is up to snuff. But whether he’s cute doesn’t really matter, because it’s more fundamental to his life and his self-image that he knows himself to be sexy.
As guys, we understand that we are initially attracted to girls because of their looks, so it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that girls are initially attracted to us for the same reason. Thus metrosexuality. But you don’t have to look like Brad Pitt as long as you’re the kind of guy who acts as though he should look like Brad Pitt. The wisdom continues:
I’ve got the looks
That drive the girls wild.
I’ve got the moves, that really move ’em.
I send chills
Up and down their spines.
Okay, now he says that his looks alone are enough to get the desired response from females, which is fine because an obsessive consistency has never been an endearing trait. What’s worth noting here is that Shawn Michaels is complicit with the fact that he drives girls wild. Not that he dates girls, or that he flirts with them, or that he can maybe get girls to like him enough so he can kiss them, but that he drives girls totally bonkers, even more than they are in their steady state.
It’s easy to be satisfied with a girl liking you enough, and trusting you enough, for you to be her boyfriend. Shawn Michaels, however, prods us to question why we should settle for that when it’s possible to drive a girl so crazy for you that they actually get chills. Wow, that would be awesome wouldn’t it? Just how do we make this happen, though? The chorus clues us in:
I’m just a sexy boy,
I’m not your boy toy,
I’m just a sexy boy,
I’m not your boy toy,
This repetition of two phrases doesn’t seem like a big deal, but listen to it again. Did you notice that? Shawn Michaels is so pumped about the fact that he is a sexy boy, yet not a boy toy, that he loses his breath. He can barely get out the “boy” at the end of the first line of the chorus as if his body cannot keep up with the totally exuberant nature of his thoughts. This is how you drive girls wild: by being so pumped about yourself that sometimes you begin to lose your breath when talking about your life, specifically life in general. Most guys talk about themselves like they’re just another person, because we’re taught that talking about ourselves is arrogant, self-centered, and boring. It may be arrogant and self-centered, but the only reason people are boring is because they’re bored with their lives. So do whatever you have to do to not be so bored all the time. If your life doesn’t drive you wild, then chances are you’re going to have a better chance driving a sloth wild than a girl.
Also, this isn’t just the chorus to the song. This is the chorus to Shawn Michaels’s life. We can assume, and rightly so, that these are the words that play over and over in his head throughout his day. These are the first words he hears when he wakes up in the morning, and the last words he hears when he goes to sleep at night. I’ll take an educated guess and say that if you’re not having as much fun as Shawn Michaels, then the thoughts you think probably aren’t nearly as awesome as “I’m just a sexy boy, I’m not your boy toy.” They’re probably more like, “I need to pay the bills, Why don’t girls like me?”
The masculinity radiated from “Sexy Boy” thus far is enough to turn Screech into Slater, yet the Shawn Michaels train of generativity still has more stops to make:
I make ’em hot.
I make ’em shiver.
Here, we see that Shawn Michaels gives girls cold sweats by making them hot and shiver simultaneously. Girls’ bodies send them mixed signals because Michaels sends the girls mixed signals. Even at Michaels’s level of awesomeness, he understands he cannot show unmitigated interest in a girl, even if it would get the job done. He understands the human mating process is not just a means to an end but that it should be as fun as possible in its own right. He understands there’s a push and pull involved in the mating process. He understands, for example, when you say one thing to a girl while your expression says something totally different, it’s not mean and it’s not fucking with her head—it just makes things interesting. Thus:
Their knees get weak
Whenever I’m around.
And when knees get weak, it’s easier to spread them apart. I suppose this can be viewed as a predatory thing to say, but if the first thing you thought when you read that is, “this is predatory,” then I feel sorry for you.
They see me walk.
They hear me talk.
These two lines, thrown in near the end of the song, are little out of place, yes, but they’re informative nonetheless. The implication here is Shawn Michaels not only notices the fact that other people, especially girls, see him walk and talk, but he’s comfortable with it. When most people walk through a crowded room where many other people can see them, like at a well-lighted luncheon, notice how they walk. Usually it’s swiftly with their head down (like it’s raining) as if to say, “please don’t look at me.” We talk under our breath for the same reason. If you’re not sure how to initially get people’s eyes on you as often as possible, start by taking every opportunity to point at yourself.
I make ’em feel.
Like they’re on cloud nine.
You see, making girls weak in the knees, sending chills up and down girls’ spines, and driving girls wild isn’t a narcissistic endeavor—it’s to put the girl in a psychological state so she can finally be receptive to feeling good. It’s about making girls feel good. You have to communicate with girls in a certain way, and be a certain type of man, in order to get them in this state. The path to getting girls in this state is a path of trial and error that each man must go through on his own. And I would even argue the learning is mostly unconscious, like getting your sea legs. Though a good place to start your voyage, continue your voyage, or revel in your mastery is to keep the two final lines of “Sexy Boy” in your rolodex of awesome things to say:
Eat your heart out girls.
Hands off the merchandise.