I just don’t understand. The Social Network is one of the best movies of the year that doesn’t resolve every conflict with a knife-throwing contest, and you’re avoiding it just because it painted you in a supposed bad light.
Sure, the light may not be flattering for your east coast (Jewish) ambition, but it’s totally flattering if you want to embrace your maniacal, force-of-nature personality, like every great American tycoon.
Instead of accepting the stigma, you went on Oprah to show soccer moms that you live in a modest home with your girlfriend who doesn’t look like a stripper. This may seem like the prudent thing to do, but now everybody thinks you’re a “family man,” which is the worst designation for somebody in their mid-twenties besides “virgin.”
It’s understandable why you would think that you need to cultivate a good public image, but this is only what stupid people without any ability need to do, and so they go on to become politicians, or political fundraisers if they’re also ugly. But you have nothing but ability—it’s ability wrapped in layer upon layer of dopey smiles, but ability nonetheless.
It’s not like the public knows what they want anyway, which is why we get politicians like Nancy Pelosi. As with girls, the masses just want to see if you’re spineless enough to kowtow to their vague demands.
You see, people really want their betters to have a dark side, to be a little complicated, which is what you actually are. You need to embrace all aspects of yourself if you truly want to endear yourself to others, including the side of you that mistreats women and manipulates friends.
Let’s look at other captains if industry so you can see what I’m talking about:
- Henry Ford innovated the assembly line, but he also gave us the Ford.
- William Randolph Hearst popularized media in America, so he’s also why we now have 24-hour cable news.
- Howard Hughes was about as bipolar as a penguin at the North Pole.
- Steve Jobs took the personal computer and made it elite, but he also makes accessories for skinny jeans.
Sending mixed signals is interesting. It keeps people on their toes, guessing what you’re going to do next. The only thing worse than being poor is having tons of money yet acting like you’re poor.
Now, I think there’s something to be said for self improvement, so it’s good to stage a reformation every once in a while. But keep your promises vague, and never speak about them directly. Simply give the impression that you’re going to change but then never really change anything. Otherwise, if you ever meet Obama, the matter-antimatter mix will cause you two to implode.
Speaking of Obama, having a dark side only works if you’re charismatic, which you definitely are not. So I recommend watching David Lee Roth videos until you don’t think that hot pink Jeeps are weird. After about a month of this, you’ll at least be at a charisma level of three and a half Bob Sagets.
Yes, people will say that they don’t like you, but they’ll at least be intrigued by you. Besides, trying to get the public to like you is like trying to get a girl to stop complaining about you. Much like girls, the public will find something to complain about no matter what you do, so you might as well give them something good, like a hooker binge that results in a love child. Or cut out the middle man by befriending Charles Barkley.
The public will try to pin you down by commenting on your every move, which is great for business no matter how annoying it is. Just smile and be thankful somebody is paying attention.
If you insist on being lame, at least avoid giving money to public schools, like the 100 million you just gave to Newark, because all you’re really doing is giving money to politicians. This is like giving coke to Lindsay Lohan—sure she needs it really bad, but it’s not going to help her long division… Actually, it probably would.
All this said, I think you’re an awesome dude. You developed something that assuages one of the most powerful yet precarious aspects of life: the human connection. Always remember this and how important it is, and only then will you truly use your money and status for your own sake, and not go the way of wussy billionaires like Bill Gates and Warren Buffet, who are only about as interesting as software and investing, respectively.
The Social Network contends that you started Facebook to seek the approval of girls and the elite clubs of Harvard. But this is just on the surface. What you really wanted to do is the same thing that every awkward youth wants to do: connect with the world. But you’re only going to do that once you embrace the fact that people think you’re an asshole.