It’s important to be honest in a relationship, but sometimes that means lying to create an environment in which honesty can flourish. This rationalization is a slippery slope, which is why we must promise ourselves to only lie to our girlfriends about certain topics.
1. Sexual history
She really doesn’t want to know your bone number and you don’t want to know hers. Even if you do tell her you’re just going to lie about it, just like she will. Though unlike guys, girls will also conveniently forget about a few bone sessions. Yes, her actual number is a mystery even to her, which may make it a little scary, but not as scary as the psychology of a man who cares about her number.
2. The past
If something traumatic happened to you, it’s best to keep it to yourself. It’s easy for a “let’s talk about ourselves” session to turn into whining. Besides, giving yourself permission to lie about the past is helpful because that strip club you went to last night is in the past.
3. Her attractive sister or friend
If your girlfriend has a sister or friend who is hotter than she is, quench your need to ogle her boobs by fantasizing about her during sex.
4. Her family
If there’s something about her dad that you dislike, then talk to him about it or just don’t say anything. Otherwise you’ll turn into a passive aggressive chatterbox—or, in other words, a girl. So I guess you could complain to your girlfriend about her family if you want her to lose respect for you, which she’ll demonstrate by having sex with one of your friends.
5. Her physical appearance
No, just kidding. You can tell her if she looks fat.
6. Weird sexual fantasies
It’s good to be honest about sexual fantasies that are possible, like having a three-way with your girlfriend and her mom. But your girlfriend doesn’t need to hear about your fantasies that would require the deepest part of your psyche to explain. Save those for Twitter.
If you feel bad about cheating on your girlfriend, don’t come clean, just try to get caught. Leave that glitter on your butt and don’t bother washing off the smell of perfume. This is more productive than honesty because if she’s not picking up on these signals, then you’ll know she’s cheating too.
If you have a conscience, you’ll eventually feel bad about your dishonesty. This is when men are tempted to come clean to their girlfriends about their lies. But think about it: you’re only doing it to make yourself feel better, not her. It’s at this point when you realize the keystone of an everlasting relationship and so why dishonesty was necessary all along: repression.
Now’s time to forgive your father for being distant and crack open a beer.