The Heart Attack Grill is a hospital-themed diner in Phoenix that serves unhealthy food as a novelty. It’s as if the state fair opened up a restaurant and replaced the carnies with Hooters waitresses.
Heart Attack Grill has milkshakes with the world’s highest butterfat content, hamburgers named after heart surgeries, all-you-can-eat “flatliner” fries, and customers who weigh more than 350 pounds eat for free (yes, there is an official weigh-in).
As you would expect, the nutritionists are upset. Like the mothers with Master’s degrees that they are, they’re wagging their fingers because, as they say, HAG is not only unhealthy, but it exploits the obese for the restaurant’s amusement and profit. But this isn’t why they’re actually upset.
Aren’t both Heart Attack Grill and the finger waggers calling attention to the same problem, just in a different way? After all, it’s not called the “Healthy Heart Grill.” And on the front of the restaurant is this sign:
And you know that if McDonald’s changed its name to “Heart Attack Grill,” everyone would be pumped about it.
The health nuts are upset because HAG is basically doing the same thing the health nuts do, but HAG does it in a fun way. It’s the same reason nerdy sports writers criticize Cam Newton for smiling too much. Leave it to the guy who cannot get laid to try to make everyone else get laid a little bit less.
Also, the Grill’s success demonstrates that people just don’t care about being healthy sometimes, which makes the Jamie Olivers look more invalid than a Ford salesman. Yeah, we know that Fords exits, but that doesn’t mean we want one.
People will even eat poorly if it means they won’t live to see their 30’s, as is the case with HAG’s former spokesman, Blair River.
The Heart Attack Grill is dark, no doubt about it. But it’s only dark by circumstance; it’s just being honest about an issue that’s even darker: total self-destruction without a sliver of dignity. The obese know they’re killing themselves by eating what they eat, yet they still do it. And a kid in Africa would do the same thing if his country had property rights. That’s just how humans are sometimes.
So you can either cry about it or laugh about it, and if you’re the kind of guy who does the former, then we cannot be friends.
Oh, and the best part about Heart Attack Grill is that they don’t tack on a lame-o “e” on the end of “Grill.”