Rejection is the beginning of the interaction, not the end.
Guys hate being rejected by girls. We’ll go out of our way to avoid it, even if it means chronic loneliness. Marketing copy for pick-up guides promises the joy of success without the pain of failure. Guys who have charged into battle cannot even say hi to a girl at Starbucks for fear of that look of disinterest in her eyes.
The truth, however, is that rejection is not only okay, it’s good. If a girl doesn’t reject you at all, it’s a sign something’s wrong. Here are two stories that demonstrate what I mean.
I met girl one in a bar. I don’t usually meet girls in bars because beer. Maybe that’s why I was a little uncomfortable. As a result, I talked to this girl like I was in TV show written by a bunch of feminists. My wit was no more sexual than an amoeba. She was laughing at my jokes, but she probably laughs at her brother’s jokes, too. The physical contact between us reached its limit when I held her hand for a little bit. As she was leaving, I got her phone number, but she may have been thinking this guy wants to take me to the opening for his skinny jeans exhibit at the homosexual museum.
When we met up for our first date, I didn’t go in for the kiss as soon as I could have. Instead, we talked a lot, eventually developing a genuine connection, which is seen as the Holy Grail if you’re trying to get with a sober girl, but it’s not. It’s the Holy Grail only if you’re trying to go extinct.
When the date was over, I walked her to the subway station and gave her a hug. Then, like Ryan Reynolds in a rom-com, I pointed at my cheek for her to kiss it, and when she moved in to do so, I quickly turned my head and planted one on her lips. I guess she enjoyed it, but it was annoyingly polite.
By now, I’ve known this girl for a few hours, and I have yet to do anything that would cause her to reject me, so she never did. This seems awesome if you think the only way a girl could like you is by tricking her into liking you. I wasn’t pushing buttons, and true intimacy doesn’t happen until you push buttons.
We went out one more time, but she didn’t want to see me after that because, as she put it, “I’m sick and tired of players.” “Player” is a word girls use to describe a guy they feel is manipulating them. This girl didn’t feel safe around me—she couldn’t feel like she could trust me. She didn’t feel a real person, just a bunch of lines and well-timed smiles.
I met girl two on a weekday afternoon on campus. I was sitting on a bench and she was walking by me in a hurry. I stopped her to ask if she was single, she said yes, smiled, but she continued walking. I waved her back. Much to her reluctance, we talked some more, then she tried to walk away again. We’ve known each other for 60 seconds and she’s been rejecting me the entire time. Not just by trying to walk away, but by her reticence. I’m eating it up, plus she’s holding back a smile, so I persist.
She then tells me she has to be somewhere. This is probably true, but I don’t let her get away. I ask for her phone number, she says she “doesn’t do stuff like that.” But she’s still smiling. She finally begins to contribute to the conversation: “why are you being weird?” she asks. I take it as a compliment, so I keep pushing. I push hard. There’s friction. She gets annoyed with me, then exasperated. But I smile through it all, unfazed and having the time of my life.
All in all, she probably rejects me 75 times, either by walking away, coming up with excuses, or just giving me a hearty “no.”
But our smiles direct the interaction. Eventually, she joins me on the bench. Then she joins me at the grocery store. By this point, I couldn’t get rid of her with Ryan Gosling’s penis. “You know what I like about you,” she says. “You don’t take ‘no’ for an answer.” I hear feminism screech as the arrow of biological truth rips through her heart.
Girls are supposed to say no
The first girl could never trust me because I could have potentially been the biggest wuss in the world. I may have only been using techniques and charm to cover up who I really was. It’s an assumption this girl makes, and rightly so. Girls are dumbasses if they give you the benefit of the doubt. Like playing an away game at Notre Dame, you can never leave it up to the refs.
The second girl, however, pushed back because I was pushing her. Sure, I was probably being “weird,” but that’s only what was happening on the surface. Because I remained delighted in the face of rejection, she could trust me.
Of course, there’s a limit to ignoring rejections. If a girl is sincerely trying to get away from you, then let her go and don’t be a rape-y dumbass. But usually, guys approach a girl with the mindset: “okay, I’ll go over and say something, and if it doesn’t work I see an alley over there I can hide in.” But, since girls are supposed to say no, it’s better to approach girls with the mindset: “okay, I’m going to go over there and lay it on thick for five minutes. If at that point it’s not working, then I’ll walk away.”
If you’re having a difficult time with girls, it’s not because you get rejected—it’s because you don’t handle the rejection properly. When you understand a rejection for what it is, as a way to build intimacy, then you’ll begin to seek it out instead of avoid it.