I don’t think hipsters are the downfall of western civilization, but that doesn’t mean they’re not lame. Everybody older than 25 knows hipsters could drastically decrease this lameness through finding a direction, being sincere, and trying not to try so hard. But advice like this is too abstract and so requires mental integration, which is difficult to do while squeezing into skinny jeans.
In order to devise concrete steps to release the pent up discomfort that affects our youth, let’s think back: Hipsters got their start when they were 15 years old and innocently donned their first paisley shirt. The culture took over from there. So we can reverse this trend if hipsters take similar, baby steps in the opposite direction, and then let adulthood take over from there.
Smiling comes naturally to humans, though listening to Vampire Weekend is anything but human. So this will take some work. Start off small by smiling for a few seconds by yourself, then smile in front of other people, then smile while looking at yourself in the mirror. Once you’ve got that down, go for the hipster double-black diamond and smile during a Black Eyed Peas song. You’ll be well on your way to being able to do a push-up.
Talk to 20 strangers
People are smarter than you think, and more people will understand you than you think. The best way to come to terms with this is to talk to strangers. Then maybe you’ll stop thinking your band hasn’t made it because the hoi polloi aren’t ready for your five-tonal acoustic meanderings—your band hasn’t made it because you’re lame. Your conspicuous hip bones probably don’t help, either.
Have sex with 50 girls
Or at least try to have sex with 50 girls, but trying to have sex is much more difficult than simply having sex. Either way, throughout this process of late-night fender benders or close calls, you’ll hear the word “no” a lot, which has always done more for maturity than the word, “yes.” And the pursuit of sex teaches us how to handle embarrassment, after which hiding behind “style” or an encyclopedic knowledge David Sedaris will seem unnecessary and gay.
Only listen to Andrew WK
I would recommend only listening to Poison, but that would be too much too soon. Your bouts of scoffing would permanently damage your throat—and the last thing hipsters need is another reason to talk like Matthew McConaughy. The goal of the continuous Andrew WK listening is to realize it’s better to have fun with somebody than try to sound smart, even if you are smart, and even if you’re not fun.
Get rid of the smart phone
I’d like to think that hipsters dress like a vintage ad for vintageness because they’re young and so fail to have that which makes getting older tolerable: money. But then I see them whip out an iPhone. Smart phones are great for guys who are entrusted with responsibility, not for somebody who uses it as a replacement for a pacifier.
Before I start sounding like more of an old man or a luddite than I am, I’d like to conclude by pointing out that this advice isn’t just for hipsters—it’s for everyone. Even if we don’t know who Vampire Weekend is, we are all hipsters to some degree. We all complain, try to act cool, or consider vegetarianism. This is why society’s derision of hipsters is weirdly pervasive. Many of us are just one lost job or failed relationship away from burying our sorrows in a t-shirt collection.