As a reader of Animus, you know that becoming too awesome is a surefire way to lose that bar-stool quality that can’t be salvaged simply by sitting on a bar stool—not even if you joke about how to fit four gay dudes on a bar stool. So in order to cultivate a common touch, we purveyors of awesome need to dabble in mediocrity, and in doing so, possibly understand the appeal of international soccer.
Accumulate credit card debt
Spending more money than you make was careless a hundred years ago, but Keynes proved responsibility is outdated if we want it to be. Also, the more stuff you buy the more likely you’ll buy a Barbara Ehrenreich book, which would be a boon in your quest.
Most people don’t lie because they’re afraid of being caught. But even if people know you’re lying, they’ll never call you out on it because they’re too afraid that you will call out their lies. This is called friendship.
Hope gives you the feeling of doing something without doing anything, like working at the DMV. It fills you with a sense that something good is going to happen, which is way better than knowledge and doing stuff.
It’s difficult to surrender to the group or your own impulses if you’ve had an existential thought or two. High expectations for yourself or others? Not cool, dude. Drinking is a good way to come back down to earth. But don’t drink all the time. We only want to be average, not a disciple of ’Tater Salad.
Run a marathon
Like being a lawyer, running a marathon is mindless and repetitive, though I recommend marathons because they’re easier on the knees. Plus, marathons are a great place to meet people who have anxiety disorders. Such friendships will effortlessly taint your outlook on life. Though it’s still good to befriend a few lawyers just to be on safe side.
There’s no need to soak a cheesecake in Mountain Dew. Slow and steady weight gain is sufficient to affect your gait before you’re too old for your gait to matter. Moreover, eating yourself sick garnishes pity from others, which is a great distraction from your pitiful life.
We all know that helping others never helps others. But it is a great way to appear dominant while placating the egalitarianism of the herd.
In truth, the common touch is an NPR term that only continues to exist because, like the common good and Common, it usually appears in the same sentence with social justice. So while this post was just an excuse for a joke run, you already knew to laugh at people, ideas, and movements that condemn you for bathing in your ego.