When I was younger, I didn’t know what to think about girls. Given my limited success with them, combined with my sisterless family, I just had to believe what everyone told me. Now, I still don’t have much success with girls, but at least I’m older. So over the years my experiences have accumulated to make what seem like a womanizing past if you unfocus your eyes, put your hands over your ears, and drown out the rejections with “na na na” white noise.
In my selective experiences, I’ve learned there are many pervasive myths about girls floating around our culture, and seven conspicuous ones. They all seem geared towards making us guys think we’re bigger dumbasses than we are. So let’s dispel these myths, and in doing so, raise our self-esteem (at least relatively).
1. Girls are neat and clean
I haven’t been in one girl’s bathroom that wasn’t covered in hair, shit, and vaginal discharge (probably). Their bedrooms always look as though a laundry bomb went off, which wouldn’t be so bad but then they ask, without a shred of sarcasm, “isn’t my room clean?” The worst is a girl’s fridge. A bachelor’s fridge may be depressingly sparse, but a girl’s fridge makes them seem like old-maid hoarders. It makes sense. They get the idea that they’re going to cook a recipe they saw on The Food Network, go out and buy Kalamata olives and meat paste, come home and then get distracted by a show about coupons on TLC. Meanwhile, all their unused ethnic food turns, which reminds you that the word “ethnic” is a euphemism, especially when put in front of the word “food.”
2. It takes girls seven seconds to figure out if they’re going to have sex with you
It takes a little more than seven seconds, so relax. Girls figure out if they’re going to have sex with you when your first impression is made. This may take seven seconds, but it usually takes longer. I’ve made some wussy first impressions with girls who still ended up doing me. More importantly, you should be more concerned with your first impression of her, which brings us to our next myth:
3. You can understand how a girl thinks
Walking around in a girl’s shoes doesn’t allow you to understand girls better. I would know. I’m a transvestite. (But seriously, folks.) You don’t have to understand how Windows 7 works to use Windows 7—you just have to press the right buttons. Girls are no different. It’s easy to fall into the trap of wanting to think like a girl in order to relate to her. “What must it be like to be a girl?” “I wonder what she’s thinking about.” “I wonder how I seem to her.” Nothing could be more impossible. You cannot think like a girl because a girl doesn’t even know what she’s thinking. If you’re trying to relate to a girl, or even just talk to one, only think about what you’re thinking and communicate that. To do this well would put you miles ahead of most guys, because most guys are too busy wondering what girls are thinking.
4. Girls are meant to be looked at
Us guys would rather look at women than have somebody save our lives. This is why photo touch-up specialists for Playboy make more money than doctors. But if we need to touch-up women with five pounds of Photoshop, maybe they weren’t meant to be looked at. Sure, looking at women can be fun, but ultimately, women are meant to be touched and fucked. Don’t forget that. Leering at (and so inevitably criticizing) every line of a woman is like examining every inch of a Lamborghini. So what if the back is a little too low to satisfy your aesthetic sensibilities? It has scissor doors and goes super fast. That’s the point, so just drive it already. The tree of misery is fertilized with lines like, “her boobs are a little small for her ass.”
5. Girls are usually on a diet
Close. Girls usually think they’re on a diet. Then you go over to their house and notice the Costco bag of M&M’s in the pantry. “Oh, I just snack on those sometimes,” she says. Get to know her better and you find out “sometimes” means “every day” and “snack” means “Dyson suck.” Given their prodigious amounts of estrogen and their lack of self-control, I’m surprised girls aren’t fatter than they are.
6. Girls don’t have sex with nice guys
I always thought girls were like dogs, and you wouldn’t treat a terrier much differently than you would treat a lab. Turns out I was wrong, but only a little bit wrong. Girls may be the same in a general sense, but there’s more variation than I thought. For instance, outgoing, queen bee-type girls respond proportionally well to confidence. But more confidence quickly yields negative returns on shy, depressive girls. And bad girls are a whole other story. You could be the most confident engineer in the world and look like Jon Hamm, but as long as you act like an engineer, you’re never going to get Joan Jett—even if she was three feet tall and had an ear on her forehead. If you want Joan Jett, you have to be like Lemmy, and not even a confident Lemmy. This is just how the world is and it’s nothing to take personally. We often hear of the celibacy that comes with being a nice guy, but nice guys can get laid all the time. The problem with nice guys is too often they chase around a girl who has a sleeve tattoo. This is like trying to hunt with a fishing pole. There’s nothing to take personally, you’re just being a dumbass.
7. Girls and guys are equal
In the past, I’ve qualified my chauvinism by saying guys and girls are just different. My line was: “While guys and girls may be equal, they’re different. Therefore, you have to treat girls differently. This is all chauvinism is.” No more. At least in the context of a romantic relationship, girls and guys are not equal. By being different, girls and guys are necessarily unequal. This was the point of Brown v. Board of Education, we just need to use the Supreme Court’s decision to help us understand girls better. And unless a girl is a weird dominatrix or has a bunch of man baggage, she’s not looking for an equal, anyway. Girls are lost puppies who need someone to look out for them. They’ll readily admit this when the war paint comes off. If not, the popularity of every princess story ever will admit this for them.
Girls aren’t conspiring against guys or anything, but they would prefer it if they had more sexual power. (Besides, a conspiracy would involve a plan, and girls are only known to get one thing done and it takes nine months.) So they’ll put on makeup, spray themselves with perfume, and try to sound like they have their shit together. Therefore, unless we are vigilant about seeing girls exactly as they are, their gray ooze of persona will flood our minds and make us think women are fortresses of power—when actually they’re fortresses of crying themselves to sleep.