It’s no secret. It should come as no surprise. We’re totally screwed.
Europe is in peril, and its hairiest nations – which you’d think would be the most stable (see: chest hair equals success), are fading faster than Charlie Sheen’s recent ironic relevance (re-relevance?).
Even the hairless (“hairress” for all you phonetic types) nations may soon follow suit.
And yes, even with world-enhancing, domestic products like pro wrestling and PBR, the good ole US of A is in a handicap match of its own … and this match features ‘Merica on the brink of collapse after years of poor managers and an overbearing IRS. We’ve got a Yokozuna’s-ass-worth of debt, and it’s only a matter of time before the Million Dollar Man wants his money back – with interest.
To bring this white trash economics lesson to a close and spin it forward, much like professional wrestling, America’s glory days are over. And before Democrats blame Bush, Republicans blame Obama, Libertarians blame Roosevelt, and Socialists blame their parents, keep in mind that it’s nobody’s fault but everyone’s.
Reckless spending that would make Birdman and Mannie Fresh seem thrifty has backed nations everywhere into a corner that will be tough to get out from. With confidence in their respective economies waning, it all goes to shit from there.
Each country has currency that is backed essentially by nothing but faith. But what the fuck is faith, besides some default word to put on a heart tattoo? The truth is that our “faith” in these currencies is the same as most people’s “faith” in God – it’s a metaphor desperately clung to when no other rational solution or explanation can be found to attain an outcome we desire. Kind of like how I have faith that a second puberty will make my penis take the shape of a Starbucks Venti.
Since religious folks put their trust in faith and businessmen put their trust in markets, all the money goes to televangelists.
Ultimately, whether “faith” works or not, those who subscribe to this magical Hogwarts spell define the outcome as fate. But those of us in the holier-than-thou real world know that this is more hocus pocus, and that outcomes are the result of actions and inactions, not by the whims of some big fun-sucker in the sky.
This is why rather than having faith in fate, investors everywhere are in a frenzy looking for hard assets that will hold value better than the fiat currencies of the Nicholas Cage nations. It’s time for you to join the smart money and act now.
If you are reading Cock Rock Magazine, there’s a good chance that while your parents invest wisely, your only investment check comes when they die … if you don’t die first. So essentially you have three options.
- “Help” your parents die quickly.
- “Help” the government the same way they help the poor – give them money to perpetuate and elongate their peril. (No seriously, the US Department of the Treasury will gladly accept your money to pay off their trillions in debt)
- Invest in some hard assets, like gold.
The first thing people turn to when seeking out something that will hold value is gold, and it’s already happening. And ruining the curve for the rest of us as usual, China has more than doubled its gold reserves in the last two years. It should now come as no surprise that this week, the price of gold has skyrocketed.
What this means is that it’s already too late to hop on the gold bandwagon. But fear not young Padawan; here are ten desirable, hard assets to scoop up that are sure to maintain their intrinsic value for many years to come.
1. Baseball cards – Remember when you were young and you thought one day you’d be able to cash in all those old baseball cards? Well, since baseball is tanking as bad as the economy, that day’s not here yet. Keep saving them and buy some more while their value is limited. When you are old and gray, you’ll be able to cash in by selling the 90s-era chewing gum to the NFL to use on new, concussion-free helmets, and you can unload the cards on the WNBA so they can finally put some faces in their crowds.
2. Babies – This may sound like an easy one, but there’s still many people out there in the business world who fail to realize and embrace the unlimited value potential of sex slaves. Of course, we use the phrase “sex slave” loosely. Follow the lead of the NCAA’s biggest powerhouses and encourage your teenage sweethearts to sleep with wealthy or soon-to-be-wealthy athletes. In fact, you won’t even need to encourage it. Once you tell them where the athletes are, they’ll be on autopilot. You can sell the scandal to ESPN, who will be at Mitt Romney-desperation levels for a non-NFL-lockout story to run into the ground.
3. Urine – Anyone who saw Kevin Costner’s Waterworld in July 1995 knows that once all the clean drinking water is gone, we’ll need to drink our piss in order to stay alive. Anyone who instead saw Dennis Leary’s work in Operation Dumbo Drop that month won’t matter anyway – they’re already dead.
4. Spider-Man costumes – They will keep making and remaking installments of this franchise until the Sun engulfs the Earth, and so you can be right there waiting to rent out a wardrobe of webbed spandex. Plus, producers are super easy to rip off because they rarely spend their own money—this is how movie-set catering was invented. And who knows? You could even be hired to play Spider-Man—just do more than two push-ups and you’ll be manlier than Tobey Maguire.
5. Vuvuzelas – Sure, everyone hated them during the men’s World Cup and no one likes them to this day, but in five years, hipsters everywhere will realize the ultimate way to feel differently superior will be to embrace these loud, once-shunned plastic horns. After all, they fit neatly in a large, locally-made tote bag, they’re African, and you can totally put OBEY Giant stickers on them.
6. Sexual harassers – Sexual harassment is a cash cow, and the legal payouts for crying sexual wolf will only get bigger in the future. Get as many people to sexually harass the shit out of you. Not only will that lawsuit dough come in handy, but the real benefit comes when the ego boost from so many people ogling and howling at you convinces you that you’re desirable enough to release your own clothing and cologne lines and eventually a sex tape. And perhaps of even greater societal importance, now that you’re the center of attention and all eyes are on you, you can finally treat the masses to an impressive armpit fart concerto!
7. Law degree – The investment in sexual harassment is not possible without bloodthirsty lawyers wanting a sweet piece of the litigation pie, but it only gets better from there. The current ratio of new laws to repealed laws is the same as the ratio of young adults on Facebook to young adults at an Elks Lodge meeting in The Villages, Florida. The bad news for liberty-loving humans is that that disparity is growing, but more laws mean more money for people who make money off of laws, like politicians.
8. Promises – Nothing can create value like a promise. Look at the best pyramid schemes, scams, and e-mails from Kenya. Some brilliant mastermind starts with a promise he’ll never deliver on and builds an empire. Learn from the best. “Drink this artificial fruit sugar shake and watch the weight fall off.” “Fords are built to last.” “Don’t worry Maria, I only have eyes for you.” “Create a Facebook page. Don’t worry, your information is safe.” “Original Sin is real.”
9. Twinkies – They taste good-ish, and they last forever. Best of all, since it’s now the government’s job to tell us what we should and shouldn’t do to stay healthy, our only choice will be to stockpile naughty treats until the government lays down its PerkiSystem of pain upon the masses. Selling sweets to junk food-depraved fatties will be like selling Chuck Taylors to iPad owners.
10. Running apparel – In our future debt-ridden world, cash will be hard to come by and our collective frugality will make society increasingly boring. This is perfect if you invest in running shoes and accessories. Runners are odd ducks who spend their time waking up early, drinking Michelob Ultra, listening to Coldplay, meditating about their childhood, ruining cool places by taking solo pictures there, and having an irregularly high number of Indian friends. Since these robots on a mission to nowhere can’t think of anything else they could possibly spend money on, they will be running to give you their money.
It’s a scary world out there, and it doesn’t seem as if our leaders will ever figure out the simple fact that if we as individuals can’t survive if we’re up to our ass in debt, then our country can’t do it either. This means that each of us must do what we can to look after ourselves without reliance on things like Social Security, Medicare, and Extreme Home Makeover. Review Create your diverse financial portfolio today before it’s too late.
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