Don’t try to steal a glance from a girl through the mirror.
This is two notches below public masturbation on the creepy scale. The notch in between? Heath Ledger Joker t-shirts.
Artificial lat syndrome is acceptable (aka ALS or ILS).
But only if you do that joke in which you have to turn sideways to fit through a doorway.
Lifting gloves are diapers for your hands.
And lifting straps suck all the happiness out of the room.
Yoga pants are acceptable on girls of all sizes.
Even if you’re a whale, I’m going to stare, and you can’t argue with that. Also, yoga pants should be called FMPs because, seriously, that’s what they are.
Always let someone work in on a machine with you if they ask.
If you’re using a machine, chances are you’re not taking your workout seriously enough to merit solitude.
Grunting is encouraged.
Do whatever you need to do to get that weight up. If that means shitting your pants, then so be it. That’s just your butt’s way of grunting.
When asking for a spot, never say “please,” but do say “thank you” afterwards.
Saying “please” is for wimps, but not saying “thank you” is for Italians.
Don’t return weights to the rack.
You’re probably just going to put them in the wrong spot, so let someone else do it.
Try not to smell horrible.
It’s alluring to think that it’s pointless to clean yourself up before going to the gym because you’re “just going to sweat when you’re there.” But by this logic, you shouldn’t wash your ass before sex.
Don’t make a big deal about dudes who walk around naked in the locker room.
I’m looking at you, white guys.
Hit on every babe.
If girls went to a gym to get in shape, then they wouldn’t wear makeup or use the ellipticals.
Don’t pee in the water fountain.
If you’re a babe, you can try peeing in the water fountain. That might be kinda cool.
Don’t drop the weights.
Unless you’re looking for the quickest way possible to communicate to everyone in the gym that you have father issues.
Don’t talk on your cell phone unless you make more than $100K per year.
Some people are more important than your need for silence. And if you need silence to concentrate, you’re never going to make $100K per year.
Offer advice only if someone is hurting themselves.
But always offer girls advice at the gym. As in dating advice. As in who they should be dating. As in you.
Never work out in groups of more than three.
I’m looking at you, Asians and Indians.
Tell employees about anorexic girls.
If you spot a waif on the ellipticals (that’s where they usually are) try not to stare as this will make you sad. Then tell an employee of the gym right away. When she passes out, they’ll be ready.