Reading is difficult, what with all the concentration and not having sex. Reading on a computer screen is even more difficult, what with all the retinal damage and double-penetration porn that’s three clicks away.
So with the advent of the internet, the literary world saw a new type of article that made it possible, though still not probable, for us to read entire articles online. This is the list article.
Although the list article is the simpleton’s path to reading comprehension, the reasons why a list article is simple are not so simple, but definitely simpler than this sentence. So let’s explore why list articles are digestible for reasons that don’t merit an explanation because, after all, this is only a list article.
Blocks of text on your computer screen that are more than five or six lines automatically make you hungry. The short paragraphs that are separated by a heading keep the stresses of reading at bay, which is why this sentence shouldn’t drag on any longer than it has to.
Even worse than an uninterrupted block of text is a single train of thought that carries on for more than 300 words. Unlike a regular article, a paragraph in a list article only has to be loosely associated with the preceding paragraph, if at all. It’s like a monologue on a late-night television show but without all the depression that comes with watching a late-night television show.
Easy to skim
One of the best parts in a list article is that they’re really easy to skim, especially when the author bolds text. This is also helpful because most people suck-ass at writing anyway—thanks to the overexposure of William Faulkner in high schools–so it’s not like you’re missing anything. And cool text colors make you feel like you’re reading a pre-highlighted textbook, though too many colors will give you a headache.
If I were you, however, I’d obsess over every single one of my words, even this one, but having the option to skim takes the pressure off, which is why it’s best to have first dates at a public venue with multiple escape routes.
The Defenestration of Prague
In a regular article, you don’t know if a paragraph is boring until you finish it. In a list article you know if a paragraph is boring if its heading is “The Defenestration of Prague,” so then you can just skip it.
Easier to read
It’s not that we’re bad readers, we’re just bad readers when we have to read too much in a row. This is why books are broken up into chapters. Even scenes in a porno get boring if they go too long. If this was a regular article, you probably would have given up by now and watched a Katy Perry video on youtube. In fact, list articles can be so palatable that the reader will give the author license to explore the theme in several different ways even if it results in repetition, like Pachelbel’s Canon in word form.
One of the best parts of the list article is that, instead of trying to come up with a coherent conclusion that wraps up the article with concision and style, I can just write “Conclusion” in bold atop a half-baked paragraph.