Wisconsin may have just passed an anti-union bill, but that’s not going to stop these shrieking teachers. They’re looters, and the only thing looters respond to is looting. So instead, let’s psychologically loot the teachers through the art of derision.
1. Offer free spinning classes so they distract themselves by sitting around and talking about how they’re going to go to spinning class some day.
2. Tell them how similar they sound to a child who demands a birthday party even though his dad just lost his job.
3. Convince them that the capitol building has cellulite-seeking missiles. If they believe that the government can guarantee a pension, then they’re stupid enough to believe this.
4. Tell them to think of their pension like their youth and beauty: the promise of it felt nice at the time, but ultimately it’s unsustainable.
5. In your best German accent, deliver an impassioned speech about how the rich are a subservient, penny-pinching minority. They won’t pick up on it, but it will at least be funny.
6. Let them keep their union as long as they no longer ingest soy. If athletes cannot use performance-enhancing hormones, then why should citizens with political pull be able to use lame-enhancing hormones?
7. Distract the teachers with a new store called Spanx N’ Brownies.
8. Get Bravo to schedule a Project Runway Spanx Edition marathon.
9. Get Helen Lovejoy to speak about how pensions will put a burden on future generations, then culminate it the only reasoning chicks respond to.
10. It takes time for economic reality to set in, so do nothing and go enjoy your life.