Jennifer Westfeldt is unhappy. This is weird because she’s the long-time girlfriend of the walking female rape fantasy, Jon Hamm. Here’s what she said about her life last week:
I’ve thought about this a lot lately. I never thought I’d be this age and not have kids… I kept feeling like I’d wake up with absolute clarity, and I haven’t. And [Jon and I] have a pretty great life together. The chance that we’ll regret [not having children] doesn’t seem like a compelling enough reason to do it. US Weekly
To the untrained ear, this doesn’t seem so bad. But when you’ve had countless women express their disappointment in you, you start to pick up on a few things.
First, when a woman uses the qualifier “pretty” when describing her relationship in a public forum, she’s already a third-degree lesbian. Her weekends are spent crying on the couch as her boyfriend pleads, “What do you want me to do? Tell me what to do!”
Then Westfeldt blames her unhappiness on her inactive uterus, which isn’t the real problem. I know this because the only real problems for girls are man problems. Give every girl a man she respects, and feminism would disappear in less than a week. But admitting her boyfriend is the problem would disrupt Westfeldt’s life too much. Rationalizations are way easier, and they’re not that big of a deal. Who’s really 100 percent happy in their relationship, anyway? Who really deserves it? After all, nobody’s perfect (*join country club, start charity, siphon zinfandel from the bag, rinse and repeat*).
You’d think that Westfeldt could just rub herself silly just thinking about the hordes girls who rub themselves silly thinking about her boyfriend. So how can she be unhappy with him?
Maybe the reason has something to do with Hamm’s recent comments about Kim Kardashian. Without provocation, he said:
Whether it’s Paris Hilton or Kim Kardashian or whoever, stupidity is certainly celebrated. Being a fucking idiot is a valuable commodity in this culture because you’re rewarded significantly. Elle UK
(*makes catfight noise*) Was Kim Kardashian seen flirting with Hamm’s boyfriend during third period?
Kardashian, as “fucking idiots” do, responded with class:
We’re all working hard and we all have to respect one another. Calling someone who runs their own businesses, is a part of a successful TV show, produces, writes, designs, and creates, ’stupid,’ is in my opinion careless. Twitter
Now would be a good time for Hamm to just drop it, but earlier this week he maintained his point for Matt Lauer on the Today Show.
I don’t think they were careless; I think they were accurate. It’s a part of our culture that I certainly don’t identify with, and I don’t really understand the appeal of it other than in a sort of car crash sensibility, and it’s not something that I partake in or enjoy, but it is what it is, and here we are. Today
Maybe Hamm is trying to have a beta male contest with Lauer. Or maybe he’s auditioning to be a bitchy E! correspondent at C-list red carpet events. Or maybe he’s trying to get Monique to exclaim, “oh no he di’n’t!” (which I don’t think is too difficult). Regardless, he’s definitely not trying to be a man.
At this point, complaining about Kim Kardashian is like being at a bar and complaining about the expensive drinks. That’s really more about needing attention and being a victim than the expensive drinks. Not coincidentally, both are crucial steps in the accelerated plan for turning a vagina into the Gobi Desert, no matter how good looking you are.
What’s next? Is Hamm going to release a press release about how Justin Bieber represents all that’s wrong with modern music? Not sure we’re ready for that trenchant insight.
The irony in this story is that Jon Hamm’s character in Mad Men, Don Draper, is appealing for the same reasons Kardashian is appealing. They’re both amoral, opportunistic, high status, and attractive people who live glamorous yet unhappy lives. It’s the inverse of the everyday, so it’s compelling. Mad Men is Keeping Up With the Kardashians with better dialogue, which Hamm doesn’t write.
So Jon Hamm may be a sex symbol, but only from a distance. Become his girlfriend, and you’re enveloped into a world of whining and self-emasculation, which leads to sandy vaginas and unhappiness. This just goes to show—if you gossip like a 14-year-old girl, then you may as well have the jaw line of a 14-year-old girl.