Five lessons we can learn from Chris Brown.
As a general rule, it’s a good idea to avoid what most people do. Otherwise, you’ll end up like most people. For example, most people watch The Voice, complain about their job, and eat potato chips every day, as if it’s just another food. Most people also complain about Chris Brown, which makes me think he’s not such a bad guy.
Even if he is a bad guy, there’s still something to learn from him. He can beat the crap out of Rihanna, have sex with other girls, then get back with Rihanna while having sex with other girls. Maybe it’s not nice, but I couldn’t get away with that. So let’s not rabble along with the rabble. Instead, let’s mine Chris Brown’s life for nuggets of wisdom while removing the ore that is his neck tattoos.
Emotions are a value unto themselves
Yeah, we all know girls are emotional, but rarely do we come in direct contact with what that means. Rihanna’s bloody face is direct contact with what that means. Girls look at their emotions, and then decide the facts based on those emotions. (Guys do this too, but it isn’t our bread and butter.) For instance, Rihanna doesn’t look at the facts (her bloody face) and feel something based on those facts. She looks at her emotions (I love him) and makes up facts (he’s not so bad) based on that emotion. So instead of being a good guy all the time, body slam girls with strong emotions, even bad emotions. Her girl brain will do the rest.
The world doesn’t want you to have sex
Have you ever stopped to ask yourself why douchebags exist? Why are guys loud and obnoxious? Why do guys get in seemingly pointless fights? Why do guys act like self-absorbed assholes? Well, in case you haven’t figured it out already, the world doesn’t want you to have sex. If you act in the way the world wants you to act, you’re going to have a dry penis problem. I’m not saying you should be a douchebag, but if you’re not at all a douchebag, take a little beaker of it and pour it into the base of your skull.
Learn how to dance
Adam Carolla has a theory that Chris Brown gets away with his abuse because he can dance. Prince, another notorious ass, has the same ace up his sleeve. I would agree and then some—you don’t need to dance well to carry the dance impunity card. You just have dance. Don’t be that guy who is too cool (re: stiff) to dance. Because when you start beating your girlfriend, she’ll never forgive you for some reason.
Boredom is death
Say what you want about Chris Brown, at least he’s not boring. To girls, boredom is worse than getting pummeled. I’m sure if I dated Rihanna, she would get tired of me in two weeks. My version of not being boring is coming home late and blowing over the rim of a girl’s asshole like a jug. Rihanna could date a nice guy like me if she wanted to, but she doesn’t want to, so she doesn’t. If the price of her desire for excitement is getting beat up once in a while, then so be it.
What people want isn’t what they want
On a related note, I doubt Rihanna’s OkCupid profile mentions getting beat up as a turn on. But maybe getting beat up is meaningful for her in a way that, for me, reading a book is meaningful. It’s not healthy, but either are potato chips. Nobody would say they want to be a slave, but some people would indeed be better off as slaves. It gives them something to do, something to feel oppressed about, and it’d be a great way to meet other people who also have no direction and a victim complex. Of course, it would be better if this wasn’t true—and if I had boobs, I’d be a woman.
Albert Einstein said that true wisdom is being able to learn from someone dumber than you are. Chris Brown may be dumb, but we do him and society a disservice when we scoff at him as beneath us. Don’t get me wrong: It’s good to be the kind of guy who makes girls’ lives better, but there’s a reason JM Barrie describes Peter Pan as “gay, innocent, and heartless,” and not “gay, innocent, and a pussy.” Unless you have the emotional coldness to make a girl’s face at least metaphorically bloody from time to time, she’ll pack up her desire for subjection and leave. This may not be pretty, but it’s prettier than a dry penis.