2013 Predictions

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In the year 2013…

… When Kim Kardashian gives birth, the baby will only be the third largest thing to pass through her vagina.

… A gay guy will invent a new sex move that somehow manages to completely strip the recipient of his charisma and self-possession. It will be called the “Anderson Pooper.”

… The Catholic Church will hire Piers Morgan to protect child molesters due to his ability to disguise intimidation as truth.

… Jesse Jackson, in addition to his attempt to ban the word “nigger,” will prevent horrors like the Sandy Hook massacre, Hurricane Sandy, and Jerry Sandusky by banning the word “sand.”

… Chris Christie will announce that he will run for the Republican presidential nomination in 2016. This won’t scare his opponents, however, because Christie has also gone for a run in an attempt to lose weight.

… To help implement the fiscal cliff deal, Boehner and Obama will hire a college student to show them how to pay off one credit card with another credit card.

… Briefs will finally win in the “boxers vs briefs” debate when Mike Tyson gets a headache while trying to write a letter.

… SpaceX will air a live video of a rover landing on Mars. It still won’t get as many views as a live video of a chick landing on a penis.

… Miley Cyrus’s haircut will star in its own action movie franchise when it’s determined to be more masculine than every actor in Hollywood. Anne Hathaway’s haircut will be its sidekick.

… To signify the validity of the trillion dollar coin, its face will be graced by Terry Schiavo.

… Chris Brown will release a dating book called Bitches Don’t Ovulate Unless You Punch Them. It will still be way more useful than male feminists who love to hate Chris Brown.

… Hillary Clinton’s blood clot will permanently damage the girl part of her brain. This will at last make her an effective leader.

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