Sex Toys are for Morons

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The only way to make sex more interesting is to have sex with someone who is interesting.

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I’ve met several girls who have watched Youtube videos with a guy when on a first date. We’re bored with each other yet we still want to have sex, and cat videos bridge this gap.

Anesthetizing your relationship with entertainment makes sense after six months when you’re sick of each other yet too insecure to break up. But Youtube during the exciting, dating phase is like playing Xbox at the Grand Canyon.

Here you have this girl, with her entire life and set of unique feelings and experiences in front of you, but instead of exploring her you explore Keyboard Cat. Don’t get me wrong, Keyboard Cat is fun, but the most boring girl is more interesting than the best cat video.

I think this trend toward cultivating a Youtube playlist instead of a personality has something to do with our millennial obsession with kinky sex. What girl born after 1986 hasn’t taken it in the butt?

I’ve had my own experiences with kinky sex, or at least what I would consider kinky. I’ve have sex in public, received a few rim jobs, and I’ve choked out several girls. It’s not like this wasn’t entirely not boring, but most of it came off as a cheap thrill, like when I ate a fried snickers bar at the state fair. Sure, it activated my dopamine receptors, but it was far from a fulfilling experience.

The best sex I’ve ever had, however, was with a girl who, earlier that day, questioned the validity of having a 9/11 memorial as we walked by it. “Why would you want to build a memorial to what happened on 9/11?” she asked.

This was an extremely hot thing for her to say. The best psychological quality a girl can have is a light and sweet disposition. To her, tragedy isn’t important, so why build a monument to it?

The physicality of the sex didn’t go beyond missionary. It didn’t need to. No sex toys were needed—the butt plug was psychological.

As a generation, we’re more open about sex, which is good, but we’re going about making sex interesting in the entirely wrong way. We’ve replaced appreciation with anal beads. Connection with sadomasochism. Youtube has replaced our personalities, so good sex has become like a Youtube video rather than Dances With Wolves. Instead of a movie that takes you on a journey with confidence, eventually leading you to a place of understanding and fulfillment, sex needs to be edited together like a Vine compilation. Otherwise we might lose interest and be tempted to go online and watch a Vine compilation.

I get it, you’re bored with your girlfriend and so you think cumming in her butt will make sex more interesting. But this doesn’t make sex more interesting. The only way to make sex more interesting is to have sex with someone who is interesting. Don’t buy your girlfriend anal beads, buy her a book.

Sex can be profoundly psychological. If either you or the girl lack depth, or the ability to comprehend that depth, then the next best thing is to tie her up with rope.

I once tied up a girl with rope. Though if she needed to have her ankles tied to her wrists to make herself like sex with me, then she probably didn’t like me that much. Which turned out to be true. She didn’t want to be tied up by me. She wanted to be tied up by any dude who happened to be in the bedroom with her at the same time.

This is, in part, why I do not use Tinder or OkCupid. I cannot imagine sex would be that gratifying with someone you met online. What sets off the intensity of an affair is the intensity of the first meeting. The first meeting, in many ways, sets the tone for the relationship. If it’s lame, then the whole relationship will be lame. And if you both know you wouldn’t have met each other unless you first went online and obsessed over yourself for five hours, the tryst feels less like a tryst and more like a merger of two companies.

If this is how we’re going to meet people, and if we’re going to be boring once we do meet, then it makes sense a girl would want to have sex in a movie theater. She’s trying to fabricate an intensity that could never be.

Sex and girls are gratifying experiences in themselves. When we seek this gratification in the mundane instead of distracting ourselves from it, then it is no longer mundane.

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DatingMark Derian