Bite Off Her Head

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The DOs and DON’Ts of dealing with a nagging woman.

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DO remain calm. When you cultivate a pause between her nagging and your response to her nagging, you’re already halfway home.

DON’T take the nagging personally. When you take nagging personally, the nagging escalates into an emotional argument. And when it comes to emotional argument, one woman is worth ten men.

DO have sex with her. More than 95 percent of the time, a woman nags for two reasons (1) she wants to make sure you’re only accepting the best from yourself or (2) she wants attention. In regards to (1) if you’re not lugging around the shame of inactivity, give your girlfriend nothing more than a hearty laugh, spin her around, and go to town on her vagina. This presupposes you’re not a lazy piece of crap, so fix that if you are. And in regards to (2) “wants attention” is a euphemism for sex, but it’s gauche for girls to come out and ask for sex, so they nag.

DON’T agree with her just to shut her up. Once a woman notices you’ll jump through her hoops, that’s it. Any hope for a healthy relationship is over.

DO give a soft ultimatum. Sometimes your woman will continue to nag no matter how righteous or spirited you are. Maybe it’s because you messed something up earlier in the relationship, or maybe she has issues with men. Either way, this is when it’s time to deal with the nagging directly and succinctly. It’s called “biting her head off.” Without mentioning her nagging, let her know this is who you are and this is what you do^1—take it or leave it. Biting her head off only works if you’re truly willing let her “leave it.” This shouldn’t be a problem, though—if you’re a high-quality male, at any given moment you always have at least three good reasons to break up with your woman.

DON’T give a hard ultimatum. When the ultimatum comes off as threatening, like a “you better stop nagging or else I’m leaving,” it’s time to end the relationship anyway. Besides, you already lost by getting wrapped up in her emotions.

DO agree with her when she’s right. Hey, you never know, your woman may be right about something, in which case agree with her unemotionally, fix your behavior for your own good, and never speak of the incident again.

DON’T try to logic nagging. Never, ever do you strike a deal with your woman like you would a business partner. Or come up with a quid-pro-quo agreement. Or try to turn the tables on her: “I’m getting fat? well you’re getting fat too!” Logic kills relationships because relationships are illogical.

DO deal with the nagging only when you’re alone with your woman. Relationship dynamics never fare well for men in front of other people. If you’re right, you look like a dick who’s humiliating her, and if you’re wrong you look like a wussy who’s humiliated by her. When in the company of others, give your woman a quiet “shh” in her ear and a loving but firm squeeze, either arm, ass, or leg. If she cannot understand or respect this for the time being, then your relationship is already over.

DON’T compare yourself to others. “Sure, I may be an alcoholic, but at least I’m not in jail like my buddy Chris.” She doesn’t care, nobody cares, you don’t even care.

DO stick to your guns. If you truly think it’s her job to clean up after you, then don’t be eaten through by the gnawing and eventually start to clean up after yourself. Remember, when a woman yells at you for being “impossible,” she always smiles a little bit.

DON’T apologize. If your woman is right about her nag, that doesn’t mean you come home the next day with flowers and a wussy smile on your face.

DO be honest. If your woman’s nagging is weird and out-of-character for her, you need to let her know, because she probably is being weird.

DON’T try to hide your internal state from her. Just because women are stupid doesn’t mean they can’t be intuitive. She can tell the difference between when you watch television to escape your life and when you watch television to unwind at the end of a hard day’s work.

DO appreciate it. Nagging exists to fill in the cracks of your life. The less broken you are, the less nagging affects you. So it may take a few years and a few relationships before you transcend nagging. It’s only then that your relationships become a wellspring of sex and growth.

Your woman’s birthright is to serve you, but she also exists to make you a better man.

1. No yelling or screaming or losing composure like a man-boy who takes everything personally. Raise your voice if necessary, but nothing more than that, like a father who’s angry at his three-year-old.

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DatingMark Derian