Chick Camp


How to keep women from destroying society.


Female energy is the most beautiful, nourishing force in the world. It’s steak for your soul. But when that energy gets out of control, it becomes tofu for your soul. What Yoko Ono did to The Beatles is what all women do to society when they have no structure or discipline. They join causes and movements and start talking about things they know nothing about.

Structure and discipline, however, are no more a part of the female mind than skirts and Home Goods are a part of the male mind. The structure and discipline, therefore, must be imposed on the female from the outside.

So if I were the king of the world (*dun, dun, dun*) Tell you what I’d do, I’d create a camp for women that would meet their most basic urges, and so keep them satisfied. Not only will this make women happier, but it will keep them from lashing out and, in doing so, from destroying society.

Morning workout

Where does girl energy come from? No one knows. My guess is it comes from girls not having to be preoccupied with how awesome it feels to have a penis. Regardless, girls never know what to do with all their energy, so it spills over into them being annoying. I once dated this girl who kept pestering me about downloading Facebook on my phone. She didn’t care if I downloaded Facebook, she simply had too much energy, so she had to do something with it, even if totally nonsensical. The only times she would shut up for two seconds would be when she got back from the gym.

Even if a girl has a man to pester, she will still pester society, and with no better ideas than downloading a time-wasting app for a device any savage man would consider an abomination.

So for two hours every morning, to curb their energy, all girls will workout. They’ll report to the gym with all the gravity and pomp we would expect from our military.

The workout will be a mix of weightlifting and cardio. Cardio doesn’t do anything, of course, but girls think it does something, which, for a girl, is just as important as doing something. Girls can even do retarded crap like pilates to get “long and lean,” I don’t care. The point is, afterwards, they won’t be nearly as motivated to go to their NOW meetings.

Groom and gossip

Next, girls will begin the salon session of camp. They’ll get their hair done, bikini zone waxed, and hands and feet scrubbed. More importantly, when grooming each other, they’ll have the opportunity to drivel on about nothing in particular. This is also a good time for them to validate each other, one of the four basic psychological food groups for the female mind. “No, you deserve better.” “No, you look good.” “How do you get your hair to look like that?” And so on.

This also satisfies the female need for association. After a few days of this, they’ll feel less of a need to associate with each other in the form of a political rally.


Women cannot be in control of what they eat. When they are, we get gourmet cupcake and macaroni and cheese stores. Sugar and starch make girls feel good for about ten minutes, then it turns them sad and anxious. Sad and anxious girls glorify tyranny and write for Jezebel.

So all girls will report to a cafeteria-style dining hall for lunch. There, they will pick their lunch from a selection of foods chosen by that segment of the population that hasn’t convinced themselves cellulite is normal: men. This will give girls the feeling like they’re making a decision, even though the men are ultimately choosing for them. You do the same thing to keep children placated.

To make the girls feel even better about themselves for no good reason, all food will be labeled as “organic.” There will of course be vegan alternatives that won’t be in any way vegan. We’ll all have a good laugh when girls talk about their newfound veganism: “I definitely feel the toxins leaving my body, you know?”

Girls will be able to choose where they want to sit in the cafeteria, and with whom. This satisfies the female need to form cliques and say mean things about girls who are prettier than they are. It makes them feel important, so they’ll have less of a need to feel important by banning prostitution or alcohol.

Learn something new

After lunch, women will learn something new, which could be anything from cooking to guitar. This keeps their minds preoccupied with something they can wrap their minds around, as opposed to economics or political philosophy.

Help their husbands with something

When girls apply what they learn, no matter how insignificant, to help their husbands achieve something, they feel useful as a member of a tribe. Their brain gives them the powerful reward signal that tells them they’re less likely to be caste out on the African savanna. With this camp session, the two biggest boons of the female psyche, safety and following, are achieved.

Go out

Unlike guys, girls get validation from their environment, so they need to go out a minimum of five nights per week and dress up to do it. Girls don’t always need to wear a dress to go out (though this is recommended twice per month), but they at least need to wear something they wouldn’t wear to the store. When a girl’s out at a restaurant whose menu doesn’t have decimals in the prices, she’ll feel validated, and so she’ll feel less of a need to vote for Hillary for no better reason than Hillary’s a woman.


Of course, women need to get boned. Contrary to popular belief, women don’t have to like the man they’re having sex with—they simply need to trust him. So yes, men will have a part to play in the success of Chick Camp, too. We’ll no longer be able to lie to women for any reason whatsoever. After Chick Camp is enacted, we need to start saying stuff like, “yes, your ass does look big in those pants,” and “yes, I do think about your younger, prettier sister when we have sex,” and “yes, we are in no way friends. In fact, if you didn’t have boobs I never would have looked at your more than once.” Girls will no longer like men as they did before, but again, that doesn’t matter.

“No, no—this isn’t for you”

Chick Camp will offend every girl. They’ll all think they’re too good for it. To assuage the protest, camp counselors will pull each of them aside individually and tell them Chick Camp really isn’t for them, but they still need to be a part of it so the stupider girls who also aren’t as pretty don’t feel as bad about themselves. Girls will then be able to have a lot of fun looking down their noses at each other.

On funding

This is an ambitious project, but funding it will be easy. There will be plenty of money if all the crackpot, hair-brained ideas that were the result of women or caving into women’s political demands were not enacted. Heck, we’ll be so rich that we could even start a “thank god we don’t have to kowtow to the whims of the female voter” treasury.


While writing this article, I was reminded of my comments on Kim Kardashian’s marriage to Kris Humphries. Kim demanded Humphries buy her a certain, blindingly-expensive engagement ring—and he did. At that moment I predicted the marriage to be doomed because Humphries hadn’t learned to put Kim in a box. I don’t think most of you knew what I meant by that, though I’m sure you knew I wasn’t talking about a literal box.

I was talking about Chick Camp—that is, you can only satisfy the urges and demands of the female on your own terms, or not at all. Otherwise, she will destroy your life before she moves on to do the same to society.

PsychologyMark Derian