Get Her Pregnant, Bro

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The only way to determine your value as a man.

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As men, it’s important for us to determine our value. This way we know who we’re better than, which is the point of everything.

Women have it easy—they mainly establish their value by how attractive they are. For men, however, it’s more difficult. Yes, our value is based somewhat on our looks, but we have many other factors to consider.

When we’re young, us men want to believe our integrity is what determines our value. It’s a seductive theory because our integrity depends entirely upon us, so we have full control over it, and so our value. But integrity is a waste unless you can do something with it. Sticking to your principles is like having millions of dollars in drug money you cannot launder. It makes us feel good to talk about it, but it’s of no value.

And integrity to what? By what standards? Ted Kaczynski has integrity. Many guys are confused and self-serving, so telling them to stick to their guns is like telling welfare queens to go out and vote.

As guys get older and come down from their integrity high, they begin to determine their value by success. So the pursuit becomes money and a mentionable job title. But if gainful employment and an office job alone made you a valuable man, then Indian dudes would be cooler.

Maybe fame determines your value as a man, but the vast majority of men have no fame, and it cannot be true that the vast majority of men have no value. Plus, fame is fleeting. We don’t want to base the value of a man on the fickleness of the masses. The fame principle says Joey Fatone is more valuable than a regular guy who isn’t fat and useless.

What’s the point of money, employment, or fame, after all? That’s right. Inevitably, all guys must eventually admit to themselves that the basis of their value is their success with women. But there’s still a debate over what unit of measurement to use. As a rule, though, the less valuable the guy, the more he measures himself by inconsequential markers of success with women. For instance, dorks think they’re cool if they get a girl’s number, even though having a girl’s number only means you can prank her.

Following this logic, it only makes sense to determine a man’s value by how many girls he’s had sex with.

The attractiveness of the girls you have sex with matters too, of course. As mentioned above, female value is determined largely by their looks, so if you're with fewer but hotter girls, then you have more value than a man who's with more but uglier girls. Getting with three 9s is better than four 6s. 9 x 3 = 27. 6 x 4 = 24. It’s math, bro.

But wait a minute. A girl may have sex with you even though she doesn’t think you’re a valuable man. She may do it to make other guys jealous, to have a man around in between being with more alpha men, or because she’s drunk and bored. Plus, women routinely have sex with more beta men during the time of month when they’re less fertile.

And you’re out there bragging about all of your hot girlfriends—you know, to increase your value—and the whole time these girls are only using your penis as a place holder.

This is why, I submit, the only way to determine your value as a man is to look no further than the number of women you get pregnant. Unless you get a girl pregnant, then the sex doesn’t count. Are you a results-oriented alpha or a task-oriented beta?

But wait! Just because you knock a girl up doesn’t mean she’ll have the child. You could get a lot of girls pregnant, but if you’re a loser, the girls will be more likely to get abortions. Real talk time: Chicks only say it’s a bad time in their life to have a child because you’re not Bradley Cooper. She would have the Silver Linings Playbook dude’s baby.

So count your children, fellas, because that and only that determines your value.

Or maybe, instead of spinning your wheels by trying to measure alphaness, keep your head down and shut up a little bit.

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PsychologyMark Derianpicasso