How to Buy Wine

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A guide for the honest man.

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Wine is like boobs—the more you analyze it, the less you love it. The guy who truly loves wine only wants to slobber all over the bottle.

But you cannot go around mouth-raping bottles. It’s like saying “retard”—technically, there’s nothing wrong with it, but it’s rude and everyone rightly assumes you’re poor and stupid. So a few rules apply.

The first thing we need to know about wine is only drink red. Our blood is red, therefore, it makes no sense to drink white wine. Captain Obvious also recommends we don’t buy green oil for our car.

Then, once we pull our head out of our ass, you’ll realize all red wine is the same. Sure, it’s made from different grapes, but when you go to the store to buy grapes, do you get a specific kind? Nope, you get grapes. Wine is no different. In fact, until the mid-19th century, there was only one kind of red wine. Vintners threw all the red grapes into the wine press and had sex with women in all their extra “not checking bouquet” time.

Capitalism isn’t perfect. And one of those imperfections is it gives assholes the freedom to make a new product even though it’s nothing new, hence the current wuss avalanche of red wine.

Next, only buy wine that has a screw top. Screw tops keep wine fresher and they’re easier to open. Cork tops made sense 100 years ago when we didn’t have the machinery to make screw tops. Now, corked wine make as much sense as a lamb skin condom. Plus, not buying corked wine keeps you from collecting corks, which saves all your friends a lot of eye rolling.

One of the perfections of capitalism is innovation. Canada hasn’t contributed a new health care product or procedure since forever. Thanks to capitalism, we think merlot is different from malbec, but also thanks to capitalism, we can open a wine bottle without having to buy a wine opener. This saves you a trip to Home Goods, which is Auschwitz for your testosterone. Also, minus one point from capitalism for inventing Home Goods.

The only thing left to consider is price. Older wine is rightfully more expensive because it takes longer to make. But that doesn’t mean it’s better. It just makes it smoother. Drinking smooth wine is like eating out a smooth vagina. I guess it’s supposed to be better but something about it just isn’t right. But whatever, if you like smooth wine, then spend more, but that’s the only wine factor that merits an extra expense. If you’re like me and like bushes, then don’t spend any more than 15 dollars on a bottle.

By now, you should have your selection narrowed down to a few bottles. Before making your final decision, check the labels of your contenders. Everyone else in the wine store will think you’re making a refined decision, but really you’re just weeding out the wine that’s less than 13 percent alcohol. Wine that’s less than 13 percent is like a chick who has abs—only homos like it.

If you’re going to a party, a bottle of wine won’t do. A bottle of wine is a single serving. So showing up to a party with a bottle of wine is like showing up with takeout just for you. This is why wine comes in boxes (score one for capitalism).

You may feel trashy by showing up to a party with a box of wine. You may think people will assume you’re the kind of guy who makes out with his girlfriend to Metallica. Perish the thought. Showing up with a box of wine is like voting Republican. Everyone knows, deep down, it’s the right thing to do, so they’ll be refreshed by your honesty.

The problem with pretending wine is anything but a vehicle for alcohol is you begin to believe it. Then you spend your drinking time talking about wine instead of life. You’ll make tasting notes instead of jokes. You’ll smack your lips instead of asses.

This is the point of buying wine correctly. It’s an issue of pretense. A man is psychologically healthy to the degree he is honest—with himself, with others, and about what matters—and pretense is the passive-aggressive form of dishonesty.

Pretending something is different than it is to make yourself feel better hurts you. It hurts everyone. It engenders a society of men who would rather get along with each other than speak the truth.

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PsychologyMark Derian