How to Fly like a Man

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Ten ways to get through your Christmas flight while keeping your masculinity intact.

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1. Stay sober

How uncomfortable are you in your own skin that you can’t sit still for a few hours without getting drunk? I’m a borderline alcoholic and I recently sobered a 12-hour flight without much trouble. And if you’re a full-blown alcoholic, the broken blood vessels on your nose makes you too gross to sit next to strangers so stay home.

2. Lean your seat back

Adam Carolla recently debated on his podcast whether to lean your seat back on a plane, and it’s sad there’s even a debate about it. Seats are built to lean back yet some guys are such wussies they’re still afraid to do it. These must be the same guys who constantly check in to make sure a girl is feeling okay during sex.

3. Always be talking

I find it unconscionable that a man would sit next to a stranger for several hours and not even say hello. If you’re uncomfortable with talking to others then you’re uncomfortable with yourself, end of story. Don’t cite me your Gayers-Briggs introvert test.

4. Get a window seat

The only reason you get an aisle seat is because you’re afraid to ask your neighbor to stand up so you can go piss. Gay and lame—gayme.

5. No wheelie luggage

It’s sad to see a grown man wheeling his luggage like he’s a Jewish grandmother puttering around a laundry cart. The crutch comes before the limp, so if you need to substitute your deltoids for wheels, you’re already looking for apartments in estrogenville.

And nothing’s worse than wheelie-luggage guy trying to fit his crap in the overhead bin. Dude, you lost the battle when you thought hard-case luggage isn’t just for girls anymore.

6. Carry on only

It’s amazing how easy it is to get through Christmas on one pair of pants and three shirts. If you forget something, you can buy it when you get there, which is cheaper than paying the girl tax—ie baggage fees.

7. Don’t sit with people you’re traveling with

Especially true if you’re traveling with your girlfriend. You’ll be spending enough time with each other when you get there. Don’t push your luck. Besides, nobody can love their girlfriend enough to sit next to her for an entire flight, and if you think you do, then you’re mistaking your neediness for love.

8. Dress well

Looking sharp gets you better service, and if there’s a funny smell coming from somewhere on the plane, nobody will figure out it’s coming from you.

9. Hit on flight attendants

There are more divorcees who are flight attendants than any other profession. But no, looking through Sky Mall is probably fun.

10. Appreciate airplanes

Always take a moment when you’re flying to appreciate the fact that you’re flying—at 35,000 feet going 600 miles per hour, and oh yeah it’s 70 times safer than the next safest form of transportation. Double oh yeah, the airplane isn’t even a century old. Sweetness overload.

The only thing sweeter than flying is Christmas. Make it a merry one.

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