If You Don’t Get Slapped, Then You’re Not Trying Hard Enough


Storming castles isn't for the faint of heart.


One of my adages about dealing with girls is, “If you don’t get slapped, then you’re not trying hard enough.” People usually laugh at this. They think it’s a joke. But if you’ve never been slapped by a girl, then you don’t know where the line is, so you’ll never get the success you deserve. A story from the comedian Louis CK demonstrates this point, while conveying a feeling of frustration all guys can relate to.

I remember one night I was with a girl, I was like 20 years old, and I was already doing stand-up. And I did a show in Washington DC. And after the show one of the waitresses came back to my hotel, and she’s really cute, and we’re making out. And she’s into it, she’s like humping me. So I start putting my hand up her shirt, and she stops me. So then we’re making out more, so I start putting my hand on her ass, and she stops me. So after awhile she went home. Nothing happened.

And then the next night I saw her at the club and she goes, “hey, what happened last night?” I was like, “what?” And she goes, “how come we didn’t have sex?” And I was like, “because you didn’t want to.” And she was like, “yes I did I was really into it.”

“Well, why did you keep stopping me?”

“Because I wanted you to just go for it.”

I was like, “what does that mean?” She says, “I’m kinda weird. I get really turned on when a guy gets frustrated and just holds me down and fucks me.” I was like, “you should’ve told me I would have happily done that for you.” And she says, “no it has to feel real and dangerous.”

It’s easy to think that girls mean everything they say and do. As guys, we like to hold on to the illusion that girls can be rational creatures. We also like to hold on to the illusion that girls want the best for us. But all forms of sexual resistance, except slapping, have the chance of being disingenuous. 

The slap is an innate reflex. A girl’s words will play games, but her hand never lies. It cannot lie like placing your hand on a hot stove will cause it to recoil, and for the same reason. 

A girl may resist you physically, like what happened to Louis CK. But they can resist in more subtle ways. Girls often say they never get physically involved with men too soon, but this doesn’t mean she wants to get to know you before having sex. This means that she’s taken things slowly in the past, or it means that she wants you to think she’s the type of girl who takes things slowly. Either way, she’s an expert at putting guys in the friend zone. So when a girl says something like this (most of them do), it’s a great time to kiss her. To make it more fun, first pretend like you’re totally on the same page in a sarcastic way. 

If kissing you is actually repulsive to the girl, which it probably isn’t, she will slap you. Now, and only now, do you know you’re repulsive. 

Or let’s say you go in for the kiss and she pulls back. Well, she didn’t slap you, did she? I guess that means you weren’t trying hard enough. Most guys take the pull back as a rejection, but as long as she’s not running away, you’re golden. Next time, don’t kiss her like such a Michael Cera. She’ll have the chance to slap you, but don’t give her the change to pull back. Giving a girl the chance to pull back is like trying to see if people are laughing at your joke as you’re telling it. 

And so what if you do get slapped? It’s really no big deal. One time, when I was in Louis CK’s shoes, and a girl was giving me conscious, physical resistance, I just plowed forward. Quickly after this display of resolution, much to my surprise (and hers), she slapped me. While aghast, I looked at her and said, “Wow, I thought you were attracted to me, but I guess you’re not. You can leave now if you feel uncomfortable.”

She left. A few days later she sent me an email thanking me for being such a great guy. She didn’t use those words, but that was the gist. Either way, it’s not like I was arrested. 

As men, we do a lot to get girls to like us, and not just on a superficial level. I truly think that many men are trying to become the man they need to be in order to attract the girl they want. On some level, this is what I’m doing with my life, too. I’ve endured much failure and discomfort in order to build my confidence, because in my mind, a girl I would want would want a guy who has confidence. 

But if you’re not getting slapped, all of your striving for self-actualization doesn’t matter. The Universe may be built for you, but it doesn’t love you. God doesn’t have a plan for you, and your dream girl won’t just show up in your life when you’re ready for her. These are lies men tell themselves because they’re afraid to take action. You’re never going to have the success with women that you feel, deep down, you deserve, no matter how great of a guy you are. 

DatingMark Derian