It's Okay to Have a Penis

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Your penis is the bridge to intimacy.

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A former co-worker of mine would always talk to me about his dating life. I think having a dating life was a new thing for him, plus we shared a cubicle so I was bound to be his backstop. In one such tale of dating adventures, he was out with a girl at a bar, and things were going great. “She was touching my leg,” he said with eyes as large as dinner plates. But then the mood shifted to uncomfortable. “Afterwards, right before I went in for the kiss, I got a huge boner. It grazed her leg. I pulled back abruptly, but I think she knew what was going on.”

He never heard from her again. He thought it was because he got a boner, but I challenged him: Maybe she wasn’t returning his calls because he was uncomfortable with his boner. He at least acted as though his boner was undeserving of her.

I can empathize with my co-worker’s predicament. I’ve always gotten boners easily. I figured it was just a teenage phase, but now I’m in my late 20’s and my penis is just as energetic as ever. As I’ve cleaned up my diet over the past couple years, my boners have become even more immediate and raging.

But I never got boners easily just by looking at girls. I can stand up in a strip club without pitching tent, and masturbating has always been a chore. Maybe I just don’t have the imagination for it. But like my co-worker, when I am out with a girl and I can see things are going well, usually the girl’s smell is enough to arouse me down there.

When you get a boner while your penis is in the vicinity of a girl (first kiss, dancing, or even a simple hug), I’ve found that you can do one of three things.

1. You can recoil like my coworker did (which, admittedly, I have also done).
2. You can let your boner touch the girl on her hip, stomach, or leg without calling attention to it. Or,
3. You can pull the girl in slightly, so that she knows you’re purposively having her feel your boner.

Option two can be powerful, but I recommend the third option. It can go really badly, sure, but that’s just another way of saying it can go really well. In order to hit a home run, you have to swing for the fences. More importantly, you know your actions aren’t veiled in bullshit when they can go either really well or really badly.

Don’t worry if it does go badly a few times. The rejection will imbue in you a sixth sense for when to do it. Unless you have Asberger’s, you’ll eventually pick up on pro bono moods, because that’s what “pro bono” means.

You may have pressed your boner against your girlfriend, or a girl you’ve already had sex with, but it’s only powerful when done early in the relationship. This way, it sets the frame. By pressing your boner against a girl on a first date, you communicate you’re not going to chase her, listen to her whine, or put up with any of her drama. By letting her feel your bone, you communicate that you don’t have a pretentious bone in your body. When you boner press your girlfriend of six months, you only communicate that you want sex.

I don’t blame you if you feel uncomfortable with this, so here’s a baby step: When a girl is over at your apartment (second date), and you’ve been making out on your couch, take her hand and place it on your boner (which is sure to be there). This is also a great moment for a shit-eating grin. You’ll light her face up in ways that all the charm, fancy dinners, and fashion sense in the world never could.

Total comfort with your penis can manifest itself in crude and piggish ways. If you don’t see this as part of the fun, then I’m not sure what to say. I guess it’s not the end of the world if you’re averse to total penis acceptance. If you just want to get a girlfriend—if you’re okay with scooping up whoever happens to be interested in you and be done with it—then that’s fine. It won’t be the most powerful seduction, but if you only want to skin one cat, the knife doesn’t have to be that sharp.

If, however, you want to navigate the world of women with ease, eventually rising to a place of power and choice, then you must communicate with girls in a different way. You must communicate to that part of her that was around before we had language, and so cannot be touched through language. You must communicate to that part of her that only a boner can touch.

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DatingMark Derian