My Friends the Wild Democrats


I am the Jane Goodall of democrats.


In 1969, Jane Goodall released her book My Friends the Wild Chimpanzees, which chronicled her time living among chimps in Africa. I feel like the Jane Goodall of democrats—they know I’m not one of them, yet they permit me live among them and observe them, mainly because I’m a pro-choice atheist.

After two years of living among democrats in their natural habitat, New York City, I have compiled the following list of observations about their personality and behavior.


They rarely clean up after themselves without being asked. And when you do ask them to clean up after themselves, they are so apologetic it makes you feel weird for asking. This is either a power move or a result of their overwhelming impulse to please.

The democrat says “I’m sorry” instead of “excuse me.” For instance, to get somebody’s attention, he says “I’m sorry.” Or if you are about to walk through a subway door at the same time as a democrat, he will say “I’m sorry.”

The democrat grows a beard to be manly, yet he cannot say no to his girlfriend.

Democrats prefer to argue among themselves, which eventually just takes the form of them agreeing with each other. It’s as if they only have opinions to socialize.

A democrat will never talk to a girl unless at a bar, and unless he has a few beers in him, and preferably if no one is looking and she’s been giving him flirty eye contact for the last 45 minutes. The only men I know who would even think of talking to a girl otherwise lean right. This is without exception.

Democrats watch a lot of sports, especially soccer. They do not play sports, however, unless it’s frisbee, and never with much exertion or competitive spirit.

In addition to sports, democrats watch reality television though they also complain about reality television. This dissonance is mollified by rationalizations. For instance, you will hear from a democrat, “the Amazing Race is different because I love to travel and I could see me and my sister winning.” I hypothesize democrats love reality shows because they satiate the democrat’s need to feel superior, thus giving credence to their economic policies.

Democrats drink more beer than wine. With the conflagration of microbreweries, democrats are now able to be just as far up their ass about beer tasting as they were about wine tasting.

The career of the democrat has been chosen for him by his parents, or he’s been pressured into a certain career by society. Hence the prevalence of doctors who are democrats. This is because there is a strong desire in the democrat to do what’s needed by society, not what he wants. Any democrat who seems to be doing what he wants, like becoming a musician, is mostly doing it to lash out at his alcoholic father.

Democrats nod their heads in anxious agreement when someone else is talking. The head nods are accented with “mm-hmm” grunts when a professor is talking. Especially if the professor is talking about race.

A democrat has no qualms about showing up at a party with a bottle of Svedka yet drinking all the Belvedere. Also, democrats drink vodka.

Democrats love to lament the sorry state of humanity, not realizing sitting around lamenting humanity may be what’s lamentable.

Without prompt, democrats will say they’re broke. Then they’ll spend 10 dollars on a pack of cigarettes.

Democrats will keep talking about themselves for as long as you let them.

Democrats text in smiley faces and exclamation marks, which presents themselves as much happier and more excited than they are in person.

The democrat loses no opportunity to express his sexual desire for a female celebrity. For example, if you’re talking about True Lies—a righteous conversation—the democrat will shoe-in a comment about Eliza Dushku being hot. It’s confusing because it’s a pointless statement and, if he’s in a bar, there’s probably a girl who’s just as attractive as Eliza Dushku standing next to him who he won’t talk to. It’s similar to how gay men idolize female celebrities.

When the democrat receives a text from a girl he is dating, he will read the text to you and then ask what you think he should text back.


The democrat is neither bad nor evil nor stupid. His mind is simply a human resources meeting without a leader.

CultureMark Derian