Seven Unintended Benefits of Never Doing Housework

 more contrived than a female CEO

more contrived than a female CEO

Housework was the pebble in my shoe. The ache in my tooth. The girl in my math class. It didn’t ruin my life, but it did get in the way.

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A few months ago, however, I took the plunge and had all my housework outsourced. The cleaning, laundry, and organization is now all done by women—whether by professionals or a girl I’m dating. I didn’t care who did my housework, as long as it wasn’t me.

At first, the intention of doing this was to give myself more free time. Plus it’s silly to do work that’s worth 10 dollars per hour if you’re charging more for your own work. But the black-and-white economic benefits were only the beginning.

As is typical of adhering to the 1950s standard of masculinity, my zero tolerance toward housework has yielded numerous and extensive unintended benefits.

1. More focus

Laundry day used to split up my afternoon into segments dictated by the length of the spin cycle. This made it impossible to focus on work for an extended period of time. Now, when the Korean laundromat lady does my laundry, I have enough time to ramp up into my work zone and stay in it for as long as I need. This makes me thankful (and a little angry) when I look back on how I used to rationalize that doing laundry “wasn’t that big of deal.”

2. Reaffirms your masculine role

When you lay the responsibility of feminine work on the feminine, acting in other masculine ways comes more naturally. The delegation of domesticity opens a door to the room in your psyche that instinctively knows how to be a cause on your environment, not an effect. Of course, this room I speak of is your balls.

3. Reaffirms her feminine role

I don’t care how many graduate degrees a girl has, she thinks you’re a wussy if you do housework. Girls will only try to get you to do housework to see if you’re stupid enough to listen to them. When you don’t cave, she’ll align her behavior accordingly. Or she’ll leave. Either way, you win.

4. You’re more energetic

When you do work you’re meant to do, it leaves you feeling alive, albeit maybe a little tired. Men need challenge to cultivate their spirited natures, and so the banality of housework kills the spirit. Thankfully, girls don’t have much of a spirit to begin with. For the fairer sex, housework is only a lateral move from whatever they would have been doing.

5. It increases your testosterone

When there are people in your life who do your housework, you’ll need to tell them what to do. And when you’re telling people what to do, you’re the leader. And when you’re the leader, your testosterone increases. Let’s hope this isn’t the only sense of leadership in your life, but it’s a nice addition.

6. It’s a source interminable conflict

Your zero tolerance policy toward housework is a continual source of conflict for your relationships. Of course, this is a good thing. It gives a girl something to complain about, which, as long as you’re not a wuss, makes her love you even more. Plus it distracts her from all the much crappier things you’re probably doing behind her back.

7. It helps you solve problems

I used to think doing something mindless like scrubbing the toilet allowed my mind to process a work problem I was stuck on. But you know what helps you process a problem even better? Sitting down and figuring out the problem, of course.

Now, instead of grappling with mildew, I call a colleague or a friend, or I just sit there staring at a blank word document and brainstorm. Housework was a safety net that made me believe I was doing something when I wasn’t.

Bonus: You’ll have a cleaner apartment

I’m not sure I ever cleaned anything when I was cleaning. My cleaning was probably more of an act of moving dirt around. A professional, however, will make everything shine. Turns out the tile in my kitchen is more of an off white than a Navajo white.

Even if you are good at cleaning, a man who does housework is like a genius who works at a soup kitchen. You are needed elsewhere.

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