Six Ways to Annoy Your Dad
It’s what to do when home for Christmas.
If you don’t love your dad, then you’re a loser. But if you tell your dad you love him, then you’re also a loser. Bridge this gap by annoying the bejesus out of your dad when you’re home for Christmas. It’s the only way to have a good relationship with your dad without being a dork about it.
Here are my favorites.
Beat him up
Dads don’t work out because they’re too busy being dads. So you have to work him out yourself by giving him constant body checks. His resistance to you will need to suffice as his resistance training for the year. Plus, beating him up sublimates any latent oedipal drives you may have.
Analyze his bald spot
It’s always funny to analyze the dad’s bald spot the way a scientist would analyze a newly discovered species—“it seems the greasiness replaces the hair across the sagittal plane of the cranium as a way to blind potential predators since the subject has become old and unable to defend itself…”
Wake up before he does
Then pretend like you’re doing something productive when he sees you up and then exclaim, “oh! Look who decided to join the rest of us in the working world!” Throughout the day, constantly remind him that you were up before he was. Beating a dad in a discipline competition is like beating Martha Stewart in a doily competition.
Stepping on the back of his shoes never gets old. Be sure to act like it was all on an accident, even though you’ll need to do it about 14 times in a row before it becomes super funny.
Make fun of him for being gay
This confuses the dad more than anything else. He comes from a time when a guy could get arrested for walking down the street while carrying a purse, so he doesn’t get gay jokes. Making fun of your dad for being gay feels to him like being made fun of for committing larceny.
Shine a flashlight in his face
This could be done when you’re helping him tinker with a home appliance, which will inevitably happen when you’re home. Or just shine a flashlight in his face for the heck of it. Marvel at how long it takes him before he gets up and tries to stop you. When he does, it’s a good time to beat him up again.
If your dad moved away to Florida when you were young because you’re unlovable, then you can always be a cousin Eddie to someone else’s dad. It’s just as good.
May your shitters always be full and have a Merry Christmas.