The Anatomy of a Strike

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Why teachers are fat and referees are fit.

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The Chicago Teachers Union strike and the NFL referee lockout seem to be occurring for the same reason, but there is a big difference between the two protests: the NFL referees look like they all own a gym membership, and the teachers look like they all own a Ben and Jerry’s membership.

As the referees and the teachers appear to be two different organism, so are their strikes two different organisms.

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What’s interesting about fat people is they don’t even know how fat they are. The nature of gaining weight makes it difficult to detect. It happens slowly, plus we spend all day with ourselves, so that extra adipose doesn’t register like we think it would. We’re all the proverbial frog in the pot of water that slowly heats to a boil. We only become wise to the weight gain when a doctor tells us the truth in so many layers of sugar that this alone is enough to give us diabetes.

Clothing companies make fat detection difficult, too, because they artificially inflate their sizes to make people feel like they’re thinner than they are. I’ve definitely noticed this with pants sizes, and I’ve heard it’s even worse for girls. Now, the numerical sizes more closely indicate how many beers a dude has to drink to have sex with you.

The problem is even worse since it’s become acceptable to wear sweatpants or tights, or other resilient clothing, as these Chicago teachers do. Their protests look like a muumuu convention.

My male piggishness cannot help to connect the dots here: As the teachers’ gunts grow unobstructed and unashamed, so do their feelings of entitlement.

Even before the Chicago teachers strike was resolved, they were some of the highest paid teachers in the country, while churning out some of the poorest quality students. And that’s when the students do churn out—46 percent of the time they drop out. And only 2.5 percent of the ones who do graduate go on and graduate from college. These Chicago kids may as well be born in Kinshasa.

Of course, this sub-Saharan-esque education levels aren’t all the teachers’ fault—the parents are to blame as well. But part of the reason the teachers were striking is because they wanted to continue to avoid responsibility for the outcome of their teaching. If one of these teachers starred in Stand and Deliver, it would have been called Sit and Complain. As they clearly avoid responsibility when it comes to twinkies, they avoid responsibility when it comes to work.

The teachers union is like the stretched-out waistband on a pair of jeggings. It keeps convincing the teachers they have high metabolism, when really, it’s time to stop showing movies in class all the time.

However, the reason for the referee lockout was fundamentally different. NFL referees weren’t trying to escape reality—they had no problem being evaluated, or to put it more precisely, scrutinized. When the NFL went out and got replacement refs, the regular refs tried their best to hide their satisfied grins. They knew what was going to happen. It’d be like if your girlfriend wanted to date other guys, and that actually made you more confident because you knew, when she starts comparing you to others, it’d be no contest.

It’s no wonder referees are half the circumference of the teachers, even though they’re twice the age. If you can judge your worth objectively, you have a better chance of judging your physical appearance objectively.

Imagine if the Chicago schools were allowed to hire replacement teachers at even 75 percent of the average $71,000 salary. You’d have unemployed teachers lining up to Gary, Indiana, even though they’d have to line up in Gary, Indiana. And I’m guessing they wouldn’t be doing as poorly as the replacement refs, not that anyone would know. As the Chicago teachers say, they’re not responsible, anyway. Why even have teachers? When a school is only graduating 54 percent of the students, it’s more a trade association for drug dealers.

Of course, the teachers strike is a microcosm of the real problem—bloated government workers are the effect of a bloated government. If the Chicago School District doesn’t need to stick to 2,000 calories per day, why should the teachers? Just put on a bigger pair of Spanx and hang out with people who are as huge as you. And don’t worry about being penalized. Evasion is a foul so insidious, not even the NFL refs know how to call you on it.

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CultureMark Derianstrikes