The Seven Groups of People You Can’t Make Fun of in America

 George Carlin

George Carlin

Free speech reached its height in 1964. Then, Gertrude Stein and her clan of broads with alcoholic fathers took hold of America’s intellectual reins. They proceeded to do what girls do best and wag their fingers until everything becomes boring. It’s part of their instinctual practice for motherhood.

Then the Religious Right took over in the 80s and added a veneer of Christian shame to the scolds. Thus we have the PC world of today, where you have to fellate GLAAD every time you say the word fag. And if you even question the existence of God, then you must think you’re better than everybody (you are, but that’s not the point). Sure, there’s free speech, sort of, but if you only get angry once it’s illegal to say fag and make a “Jesus was a pussy” joke, then it’s too late.

There have emerged from the embers of the uptight baby boomers seven groups of people you cannot make fun of without being stoned with Bibles or liberal arts degrees, often both. But don’t worry, I have a plan. There are groups we can make fun of who are similar to the groups we can’t make fun of. So if we get our jokes in the door with the one, acceptable group, people will see that society doesn’t implode, and we’ll all be back to quoting Archie Bunker in no time.

1. Blacks

This is the most obvious one, so let’s get it out of the way. You can’t make fun of blacks because they may have been slaves 150 years ago. Actually, that’s the explicit reason. The implicit reason is because blacks aren’t successful. More recently, we’ve been meaner to Asians, but they all have engineering degrees now. So feel free to walk up to a random Asian and ask him if he’ll build you a Nintendo—you’ll all have a good laugh (then he probably seriously could build you a Nintendo).

You can’t even point out facts about blacks. Pointing out that blacks disproportionally read fewer books and commit more crimes will earn you a face full of Sharpton-esque rhetoric. If you’re white, you better just smile and nod whenever talking about black people. Sure, this is racist, but it’s the kind of racism that makes people feel irrationally better, as opposed to irrationally worse.

Instead, make fun of Italians
A blind person probably wouldn’t know there was a difference between blacks and Italians, except blacks gob lotion on their elbows. (Seriously, whenever I meet a black dude I think, “what’s that smell, did I just jerk off?”) Indeed, these two groups are basically the same. They’re poor, uneducated, loud, frequently incarcerated, abundantly nose’d, and both identify way too much with how they’re portrayed on TV. Every Italian has a weird attachment to The Godfather, and every black guy sees himself as a metaphoric Kunta Kinte. As a result, Italians love telling you how Italian they are, and blacks love telling you how black they are. Their heritages are an accomplishment they achieved by being born, which is probably the last noteworthy thing they’ve done.

2. Retards

Bill Maher lost his job at Comedy Central because he said retards need to be trained like dogs, which is the truest fact ever. He also said the 9/11 terrorists had a lot of courage… Anyway, good luck making fun of the Special Olympics or saying downs syndrome fetuses should be aborted without getting burned at the stake of sociology degrees.

Instead, make fun of feminists
This is an obvious one because the feminist’s cognition barely reaches beyond that of the perceptual state of dogs—ie retards. A bitch joke here would be too obvious and not exactly correct. As I argued a few weeks ago, it’s not a feminist’s fault that she’s a feminist. She’s just responding how anyone else would respond in culture of male despair. I suppose the only real difference between a feminist and a retard is at least retards can learn something.

3. Gays

I think gays should be allowed to get married like anyone else who hasn’t secretly and shamefully jerked off to a dude’s asshole (I only did it that one time because I thought the dude was as chick, and I mistook his balls for a large growler). However, let’s not pretend that they’re second-class citizens just because they can’t walk down the aisle together. If you’re gay and you feel like a second-class citizen, it probably means you’re living in the wrong part of a country. As a straight male, I would feel second-class living in Podunk, Idaho because I would only have three mating opportunities. I’d get drunk one night and blow it with all of them in 15 minutes. This doesn’t mean society on the whole thinks less of me.

Instead, make fun of foodies
Foodies are gayer than gays. To me, walking in on a friend tweeting a picture of his food is like walking in on him squeezing his dick into a dude’s asshole. Hey, I’m still friends with him, and I guess I don’t really think any differently of him, but I just wish he would have told me. When we start making fun of foodies for being gay, then foodies will make fun of us for going to Chipotle three nights per week. The whole interaction will tear down more walls than the bare-ass scenes in Milk ever could. Gays will see how much fun everybody is having, and they’ll want in on the action. GLAAD will release 45 million press releases about it to remain relevant.

4. Natives

Their poverty rate is trumped only by their alcoholism rate. Being a Native is like winning the lottery, what with all the free money and consequent loss of ambition. No matter, let’s just blame the poverty and alcoholism and dead eyes on the white man’s seizure of their land—even though it wasn’t the Native’s land, and even though they weren’t exactly peaceful. Regardless, the only way you could think that the Natives were better off without Western Civilization is if you’re rich enough to scoff at Western Civilization. Or if you liked Avatar, and that movie’s gross makes the GDP of Japan look like a food stamp recipient jerking off to women’s diving. Wow, that’s poor!

Instead, make fun of Clevelanders
I’m sure the alcoholism and poverty rates in Cleveland are just as bad as they are on the reservation, not that I’m going to look it up or anything. And like the Natives, Clevelanders think they should get something for nothing because of how they were treated in the past. For instance, Cleveland guy thinks LeBron should have stayed because of the town’s pathetic sports history. This is like pleading to your girlfriend she should stay with you because you’re unattractive and don’t stand a chance to find anyone else. Anybody with self-esteem needs to take a shower after hearing this kind of appeal. Clevelanders don’t know what I’m talking about because they don’t take showers.

5. Teachers

The next time a teacher complains about charter schools, go ahead and call him a fag. You won’t believe how uninvited you’ll be to his next dinner party.

Instead, make fun of politicians
Since the strength of the teachers union has grown to surpass the size of their asses and aging liberal beards, teachers have essentially become politicians. The NEA has more political power than a 55-year-old white guy with a full head of hair and three pairs of boat shoes. The only difference between teachers and politicians is, when a male teacher exposes himself to a girl, she’s usually under age.

6. Marine biologists

These guys can’t do anything wrong. They’re studying the ocean, they’re saving the whales, they’re teaching us about conservation. Let’s profile one as he sits on the beach, staring out at the ocean with the pain of a thousand universes. Ugh, gag me with a flipper. I suppose marine biologist don’t do anything egregiously wrong, aside from acting like virgin man-boys and implicitly pushing their tired environmentalism. Manhattanites do this by carrying tote bags. But make fun of a marine biologist and you could be deported from California as fast as a Mexican wouldn’t be.

Instead, make fun of park rangers.
I’m not sure how you can be more virgin-y than marine biologists, but park rangers have figured it out. Once we mercilessly expose them as the unambitious, Asberger’s cases they are, we’ll be able to move on to marine biologists with ease.

7. Soldiers

Professional effete Chris Hayes shocked the world when he made a good point this past Memorial Day: if we stopped deluging soldiers with the “hero” label, we probably wouldn’t have the American military machine we do today. And referring to dead soldiers as “heroes” is even worse. Because of their ultimate sacrifice, they give off that extra whiff of Jesus quality. (I’m going out on a limb here and assuming most soldiers think Jesus is a good dude.) If, however, we treat being a soldier as a job like anything else, potential soldiers would only be lukewarm on joining the military. More kids would go to college, ITT Tech, and get jobs that produce something. But after Hayes made this one, good point of his, he spent the next few weeks doing explicitly what his mannerism do implicitly: apologizing. A total waste. He might as well have stayed home and read John Rawls while beating off to the idea that the Times is more refined than the Post.

Instead, make fun of generals.
You can’t go wrong making fun of the rich and powerful. Start at the top of the military and slowly work your way down to the human shields. Pretty soon, when somebody tells you they’re joining the military, you’ll be able to carry out the rest of the conversation without upchucking praise.

Conclusion

The point of making fun of people isn’t to make them feel bad. It’s not even to make yourself feel good. Sure, that’s part of it, but the main ingredient here is that jokes expose reality in a way that tempered, university-fed discourse doesn’t. When a person or a group is insulated by finger wags, their self-esteem knob slowly turns down toward self-delusion. In short, to be cut off from jokes is to be cut off from reality.