What Men Need for Christmas

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The right present makes a man feel free.

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Men, above all else, need to be free. At the same time, they want to be in a relationship, which makes for an interminable conflict. So the best thing girls can get their boyfriends for Christmas is something that will alleviate this battle. Most Christmas gifts for guys, however, only seem like pleasantries when they’re actually leashes… kind of like relationships.

For example, Earnest Hemingway’s home in Key West was a gift from his father-in-law. It was a nice gesture, but it suffocated Hemingway’s freedom. It gave him an anchor in his life, and anchors are only freeing when you’re the one who drops them. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that it was around this time Hemingway’s neurosis kicked into high gear, which led to shock therapy, alcoholism, and ultimately his downfall. So ladies, if you don’t want your relationship to end up blown to pieces all over a typewriter, then take my Christmas gifting advice.

Adult sports league membership

Field of Dreams was seeped in Baby Boomer credos, but it did touch on the importance of playing catch. Or playing sports in general. Men don’t want to play catch with girls, unless it’s catch the penis in the vagina. Therefore, sign up your man for a sports team, get him some cool equipment to go along with it, and buy your relationship another three to six months of repression.

Steak

Men are like girls who have jungle fever—put 22 oz of beef in front of their faces, and they don’t care who they’re dating. Girls can take their boyfriend out for a steak dinner, but it’s better if they buy the largest piece of Kobe they can find and cook it themselves. This is best when done in an assless apron—ie just an apron. But don’t consider sex a part of his present. That should be nothing special. As they do to bulls in Kobe, if girls want to keep their man docile, they better metaphorically castrate him every night.

Exotic Beer

Beer from the other side of the world doesn’t taste better; though it does make men feel like they’re more a part of the world, and so less a part of a relationship. Exotic beer is better the darker it is because, for some reason, the heavier the beer, the lighter it makes men feel. This is why you can always find depressed guys around a case of Miller Light.

Liquor

If you girls don’t feel like driving across town to buy beer brewed by eastern European monks, then get him some liquor. Unlike beer, any liquor will do. Just don’t make the mistake of thinking he wants to drink the liquor with his girlfriend. That’s like her tagging along with him and his buddies on strip club night.

A book

Specifically, men need books with facts to understand the world better. This feeling of mastery is a great way to stave off suffocating feelings. It’s why smart guys usually stay married longer than NFL players.

Alone time

Not to get too dark, but guys in relationships have frequent thoughts about killing their girlfriends, leaving town, and dating a stripper. He knows this will make him unhappy, but in the psyche of a relationshipped man, happiness pales in comparison to freedom. And nothing makes us feel free more than feeling alone, and nothing makes us feel more alone than being with a stripper. To alleviate the girlfriend-killing and stripper-dating, buy him a vacation. If you cannot afford that, simply don’t talk to him for a month unless he talks to you first.

Conclusion

The only way a relationship can work is if we recognize that they’re crazy. We want to be built for them, but we’re not. It’s like trying to fly by flapping your arms. The best you can do is invent a wing suit to simulate flight, even though you'll only glide. This is what a good Christmas present does for men who are in relationships. It makes them feel free, even though they’re not.

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DatingMark Derian